Time for some introspection,time for change..

The long wait has come to end, at last.The dreaded day we had anticipated for so long has finally arrived.My few friends and I finally got our joining letters from Wipro yesterday evening , much to our relief accompanied by a natural feeling of sadness among a few of us including me, who never had the experience of spending more than a week away from home. As far as I am concerned, neither do I know how to even prepare tea nor did I ever wash my cloths myself! Now the time has come to pay for my so far comfortable life. I will really miss my parents like hell the 1^st few months, the same way they will feel my absence. And yes, I will miss my blog too! Lately I have not been posting as much as I should have. Now, its going to get even more rare.The weekends are going to my only chance to post something from a cybercafe.Atleast,not before I get a new laptop or something. I guess,that will take a bit time to happen though.

I am still an amateur blogger, in the initial stages of the learning curve, still trying to learn how to use my blog-whether to pen every interesting piece of thought or memory that comes to my mind, thereby helping myself to get rid of this feelings of loneliness, (which have been a part of my life since times immemorial) or put in place some well structured articles, having some moral in the end. I am still confused about it the same way like I was the on the day when I started writing. Till date, I have hardly got about 10 distinct visitors and even fewer regular visitors. The 2 main reasons that come to my mind at 1^st instinct is the lack of awareness of the importance of weblogs(and even reading good novels for that fact)among the people around me and secondly the existence of a significant population in this world who use blogging as a source of income! Its like 5 or 6 out of 10 blogs I visit has some ads of some kind or another splashed across its pages.The more is the no.of ads, lesser seems to be the dedication on the blog’s owner part,as far as the articles are concerned.

One might question, about the relevance of this type of rumblings on my part, in times of a crisis of such magnitude. May be its because of this feeling of frustration and utter helplessness.A thought that no matter how much I rumble, nothing is gonna change, for words don’t speak if they are not read or heard!

Whatever my grudge is, I feel that this inherent laziness that many of us are born with in this country or the presence of a system that makes us lazy in due course of time is one of the many reasons that we are among the most passive people of all!. Till the end of my 1^st semester in engineering college I ACTUALLY used to study, keeping in regular touch with the course going on in classes, which gave me some extra motivation to pour over things in more details outside course-curricullum. The thought of finishing a whole subject within a couple of days before exam used to scare me. But this so called Engineering college fever started to engulf me slowly as time went by to such an extent that after 4 odd years I don’t remember much what I have studied so far in my stream of choice, for I had learned the art of studying for exams in 2 weeks or even less than that over these years. We had hailed the tested success of this art in every exam we had faced and sadly it had worked everytime. I once thought that ours is the only profession which preaches this or for that case students of IITs for instance were not our type.Well, I stand totally wrong on that fact today! But when students in medical profession try this ‘2 minutes noodles act’ in their course of study, then there remains no surprise whatsoever that why the common people are being misguided day-by-day with wrong treatments and even the lack of it. Sadly, my father has been one of the victims, cursed, just enough to suffer for the rest of his life, just due to some careless mistakes on part of these shameless people who call themselves doctors!

The ‘bandh’ culture of Bengal, the plush government jobs, this talk more-act less attitude are some of the prevalent reasons which make us lethargic with every passing second. That probably explains why we have failed to produce any more heroes like Dr. Bidhan Chandra roy, Subhas Chandra bose, Satyajit ray to name a few. The only idol we worship nowadays is Sourav ganguly. We don’t have any other option anyway. Oh I forgot,even he is gone now!

After so many incidents of blasts this year which caused causalities in the range of 50-100 , it did’nt seem enough to shake us.Its only when someone entered our ‘homes’ that made us feel the impact. What else other than our lethargic mindset towards life makes us act so late! So far the after-effect had been of sympathy for the families of the victims. Now it has taken the form of anger. A type of anger which we had shown in our closed quarters so far.But now it has come out in open. Whenever I have gone out for a stroll these days, the main discussion which has flown into my ears has been of the just ended tragedy. From the local shopkeeper to people on the streets, everyone has something or the other to tell. Whatever be the main topic of discussion, however irrelevant it may be, it gives me a little relief to see that the people are atleast taking some interest. Really, we ought to do it! To remain unaware of the political scenario of one’s own nation can be called as a type of ignorance of its kind, no matter how much well versed we are with our own business! But unfortunately, most of us have preferred to follow that path of ignorance so far in our life. Be it the recent bomb blasts, the Aarushi murder case, incidents of violence on the Christians or the hysteria around INS stolt valour. The most disturbing and shameful act I have witnessed is the growing rate of rapes and molestations of foreign tourists in our country! Does it justify our ‘incredible India’ image?! It does’nt come as a surprise though when the fact is that we can’t even respect the women of our own country!

I wonder, when was the last time we had so many people on the streets, shouting against the misdeeds of the government! When did we see so many SMSes on the news channels, throwing across their view on the present imbroglio! Atleast I have’nt seen so much of unified outrage in my short span of life so far. But we want more of it. Not just discussions and slogans, we need to act on our part too. We can’t just carry on with our life irresponsibly. We have to stand up against every visible form of injustice. Whether it’s the incessant loitering around the government offices to get our work done from these unbothered employees or grudging against the miserable state of our roads and its traffic, we have to protest against it! If it requires us to complain against the government officials for their callousness, so be it. We can’t just fight on the road with the other person who has just crashed(very loud word in fact!) onto our car, creating a ruckus all around, thereby throwing the traffic into complete disarray! We can’t just misuse the means to justify the ends. We do need to follow the hard way, not the shortcuts, for the shortcuts prove to be short itself whenever real social problems are concerned. The ethical way is always tough but it always helps in the long run.

Last but not the least, I would like to stress a point again which I had tried to focus on, in a fellow blogger’s comment section about the politicians.I think its high time that politics be treated as a JOB. Thats the only way by which we can stop people with criminal records in making their entry into the business and making it more dirtier in the process.

If the parties concerned do not do so(due to their vested interests), we need to have the right to call the shots, asking for the credentials of the nominated candidate, whom we are going to vote for. Otherwise, we are always going to have some Sharad pawar as the agriculture minister who has little knowledge of that sector as his educational profile shows or a KPS gill,who has almost destroyed our legacy in hockey! I do realize that all these are utopian ideas to think about. But to dream of an actual ‘India shining’ image, we need to dream big!

Where are we heading towards??

My heart bled.I felt like crying.But the tears wouldn't just flow, for I had made a so-called resolution quite some time back that I won't cry anymore as I had done so many times in the past. Boys just don't cry.In fact they must not cry! I don't fully know yet what makes me think like this but I so wished that just for a few moments, such thoughts didn't cross my mind.
I don't know what exactly to feel today when I see these pictures of blood, dead bodies, fire and above all, absolute terror everywhere,writ large on the faces of the victims and sympathizers at the very spot. I curse my luck, to have gone out of station yesterday, not having a single clue of what was happening outside my domain. I only got to know about all this only in the morning on a visit to a friend's house, and could only follow what had happened actually so far after I had returned home in the evening.Since then I have not been able to take off my eyes from the news channels for a second.Does anyone really care about all these except a handful??? If the most of us did, someone or the other could have talked about it with me on phone , just for the sake of it.Even if everyone feels for these 100 odd dead people today, I am not sure how much they will actually care about tomorrow! I have lost count of the no. of times we have been attacked this year. Just when I thought that it couldn't get any worse than this I have been proved totally wrong! I am simply short of ideas about how such an act of a gargantuan magnitude like this can go largely unnoticed. The militants have the so called sophisticated MP5s, large mag zines enabled for firing upto 300 bullets each, countless grenades and according to some, even rocket launchers!! Those people had come armed with even satellite phones which i don't think except a few, most of our forces have even heard of. And after all the mayhem has been enacted, the NSG forces arrive after 9 hours delay! Not before we had lost 2 of our valiant officers of the Mumbai police and the ATS chief.All we can do is 'salute' them or follow a minute of silence in their respect.Nothing more. These are the true leaders of the nation who acted fearlessly leading from the front and facing the bullets before their fellow soldiers! It was bound to happen because all that the government can provide our officers and soldiers is half sleeve non-bullet proof vests and a penetrable helmet. The government doesn't even care to look after the disparity of the pay-scales of our army men after the 6th pay commision review, and yet they expect them to fight hopelessly for us and our politicians, who can only think of the caste and creed of terror, Hindu or Islamic! Utter shame!!
I was really moved by the comments of some Mr. Sohail(whom I have seen many a times on screen but don't actually know who he is) on Times Now ,where he really poured his heart out.He rightly said that we are a bunch of hypocrites! We pretend to care today and forget everything tomorrow, unless one of our own relatives is one of the victims.We blame it on the people who are there for our security purpose and neglect their duties to do the same when all we should blame on, is the manner in which they are trained! Terrorism will always be there.It had always been here in some form or the other from the very beginning.But the way these terrorists plan the mode of their terror , we fail to replicate that in our own ways of POST-measures atleast if not counter measures. We still haven't learned the lessons surely.Someone said that the guards there at the hotel just ask people to show their identity and don't even bother to check the rear bonnets for a second.Why the hell do we expect then the terrorists to be caught at the very entrance possessing weapons? Where else would you see so much delay in organizing a well planned counter force within a short notice after the attacks? where else would you see a car going past you, slowing down at the right moment, with a terrorist in the back seat spraying bullets on you and just whiz past you the very next moment before you gather courage to look up again, laying there down to save yourself! Atleast I thought that these things used to happen only in the stupid Bollywood movies of old.I faced the reality today! Even the paramedics and ambulances are as late as ever.I feel roughly one-third of the people could have been saved so far in all the mishaps that befall upon us till date if proper medical help arrived just in time!
But again, who cares?? Most of us are busy watching the antics of the actors of big boss.The guy who got most of the attention till now was that cheap Rahul mahajan, the son of BJP spokesperson Mr. Pramod Mahajan who died just 2 years back. 'As father like son', seems to have no bearing on this fellow, who just doesn't care a bit about the worldly state of affairs,just jumping around the whole day around girls with his stupid theatrics.And the media just gorges on it thereby increasing the TRP of the show! How can the media stoop so low to give precious screen space to people like Rakhi sawant?! The more she makes her presence felt with some useless theatrics, the more the media gets attracted to her.How else can you explain the unavailibilty of real news for which the news channels came into being at 1st place! The INS stolt valor incident took nearly a month to come into forefront as an incident of concern, after Mrs Seema goyal's persistent efforts.It took a month more for the government to wake up and act for the release of the crew men.The 1999 Indian airlines hijack was brought back fresh again from the past memories! The men in power rarely care for its people. All they do care for is vote bank politics which we 'educated' lot seem to agree with, by succumbing to their ploys, and not choosing for ourselves what is right.We leave that decision to the lower middle cast and poor people to make, who hopelessly use their right of franchise.How many of us engage ourselves in some real social debate in our leisure time and form some opinion on a prevailing issue? well, we do form some.We fight for the farmers in Singur today.When the winds change, we totally disregard our previous stand and force the blame on the same person for whom we lend voices a fortnight back.Instead of balanced opinions we resort to biased ones.We only try to hide our mistakes by attaching ourselves to the presently favorable situations. We just don't want to admit our own stupid acts at any cost.
I am falling short of words now.I curse my luck at times about the control I have or lack of it, over things happening around me.But when I look up to see the misery around I get relieved of my own misery, which is nothing in comparison to the kind thousands of others face every moment.This might be an excuse to ignore my inability to make things happen. But whatever it is, it helps me gain my spirit again to stop ruing over mistakes which I can't rectify no matter how much I try.Life goes on, it has to. Just that it becomes at times seemingly impossible to carry on, for the people who lose their close ones unknowingly.I just hope against hope that the so-called notion of 'short memory' of the public gets erased so that we stand by the surviving victims long enough to help resurrect themselves.And for that we really need to shed a tear or two for the fellow citizens who are no more, those who don't matter to us practically but do so in actual reality!

No more..had enough of it!!

I don't remember the last time when after getting out of an exam hall after a REAL exam(the mocks don't count), I really felt confident that I have done well to get a good result.May be it was some meaningless routine end semester exam when it actually did happen. Otherwise the school exams are the only ones that I can think of, in distant past.Well, I am really getting clueless about my life now. I once used to think that its the wrong choices mainly, the ones influenced by some biased situations and my parents, that have pushed me down in my life apart from a not so hard working attitude. Now I wonder, whether I am even capable of making any good choice at all. They say, you should follow your heart and work towards things you are really passionate about in life. I thought, that I am doing the same and working towards my goal with utmost passion.I fell once, picked myself again. I stumbled many a times after my restart, but kept going on, hoping against hope that one day my hard work will pay off. I didn't lose hope nor my faith in the so called conspiracy theory of God. But NO, it didn’t work in the end. Not at all! I have fallen once again.I still don't know how it feels , nor do I know how to interpret this setback, yet again.

Sailing over the clouds on that plane the view looked so different, with all its splendor. Everything looked so small from the top, yet so colorful was the image. All of which I had watched since now in Wikimapia looked so absurd to me.Sometimes I thought they were not quite satellite pictures, but the impression of an artist’s imaginations.How wrong I was obviously! The geographical texture of the earth is actually what it seems to be on the computer screen, courtesy Google. I just wished that this high-flying experience never ends. I still wish the same, all the more now,for my feet are on the ground again. I am back to the form of an ordinary human being yet again. I don’t mind it anymore. I have become quite used to it now All that which hurts me is the pain and helplessness which I feel in my parents repeatedly, everytime they hope to expect some stroke of magic from me.And I fail to deliver every single time. Some people don’t get the chance they deserve for the lack of money.I on the other hand, waste my chances alongwith the money. I don’t know how much more they can withstand .I don’t know whether I can pay off all the debts I owe to them, in this present life.

I am getting exhausted .I have lost the required motivation, the guiding factor of one’s life..I just can’t carry on like this , pretending to everyone like all is normal. I need to do some soul searching now.But before that I need some rest. I am feeling a bit too tired.I don’t know how much time its going to take me.May be a couple of days of outing or a couple of weeks.May be more than that.And this break includes a leave from my blog too, for I don’t want to disappoint you few people I have as my audience, with these uninspired and sad tales of a loser.Afterall who the hell in this world would waste his time to hear my crap time and again! ? No one should, because time is precious.See you soon!

Time to take control,myself..

3 days to go for the C-day. 1 day to go for the start of my journey. The only time I last went to Bangalore for 1 day's stay left me wanting more of it.One day seemed hardly enough for feeling the nicest weather I have ever experienced. I went there in the month of may or June after a few days stay in the hot and humid weather of Chennai.Every moment I spent there at bangalore made me feel like as if I have come down here from a distant equatorial place! But the comfortable weather of Bangalore came at some cost.It must be the costliest city of India by some distance. It seemed reasonable though at the end, that we had planned only a single day here otherwise our pockets would have been emptied out just enough to leave us stranded then and there.
But the excitement of revisiting that place for a stay of 2 days this time has slowly waned day by day.Sometimes I don't even feel like going down there for the fear of returning both empty handed and vacant minded. The more I try not to think of the consequences of that inevitable day the more I get the chill down my spine. All my life I been a person of high potential.I still think the same.But very rarely I have been able to translate that into action. Somewhere, something has been always missing in my whole effort. Sometimes I did'nt put in the desired hard work, or I did'nt have the required motivation to go all the way.But most of the times I think have faltered at the last mile.I have succumbed to the pressure of achieving something that looked so near yet so far. And that's where I had the biggest doubt and confusion about this whole thing. The saying goes when you work for something tirelessly with whole hearted spirit,the whole world conspires to get you the thing you desire! the term 'conspire' has a big meaning itself.It means that certain incidents or rather co-incidences will happen, just to favour you more than others if your effort is stronger. So if that is the case, why doesn't it happen till the end?
Exams like CAT are very much guided by chance and the position of your stars that day! (unless of course you are a brilliant student who is destined to succeed) The right choices and the right frame of mind can work wonders that day. But if the start goes wrong it becomes very difficult to recover at times, although possible. Something similar happened to me last yr. I faltered at the very beginning, misinterpreting the setting of the paper.In those few hrs it seemed like I am the biggest fool alive.Like as if, except me everyone is setting the paper on fire! But as it turned out in the end, it was one of the toughest papers of all times in cat's history! I simply went there with my pre-conceived notions of it be a standard paper.But a good start with right selection of questions wouldn't have done me any harm, isn't it?! I could have gained my calm and composure to tackle the tough questions with even more care. But instead what happened was that the circumstances conspired against me! well, did'nt I put in the deserving effort? yes, I did not, but not so poorly to have deserved much poorer result than what I had expected. Actually, the thing is as I believe, 'it is'nt over untill its over', as the famous saying goes in cricket. Writing the exam is also a part of the whole process, in fact the most important one. After one has done his job as good as possible, its time for god to deal with the situation ahead.He sets the things in place to manipulate the result in your favour! thats the only perspective i can think of. But what about the case of 9/11 when a bunch of ill-minded yet talented people concentrate there effort on killing thousands of people ? Can't we hope for some coincidences to happen just like in our Hindi movies , so that the guys get caught somehow in the act before their final act? were there efforts stronger than the bond of love and affection of the victims and their family? Might have been so, otherwise god would have been said to be prejudiced in his decisions.Did'nt we read in our old scriptures how the rakshasas prayed in the name of some god and he did answer their call and granted their wishes too.I believe its all a cause and effect game.Even if you do something wrong, if your conviction is strong enough you will succeed but in the long run somewhere down the line that will get balanced out for the intention behind the act was not pure .
Whatever is the secret behind all these, its impossible for a mere mortal like me to know the absolute truth.The only thing I know is that I just can't stop writing when I make a start! The thoughts just start cascading upon each other and I get tangled in them in the process. But not anymore, not for today not on 16th.I just want to remain detached from my thoughts as far as I can.I want my brain to act a bit more now. Because thats what will really matter on that day.
And whatever way I start the paper I wish I don't lose the faith in my own abilities.Afterall,slog overs are always there to hit back! ;)

Riding the waves of hope in the ship of my dreams....

Finally I am going out, after a long gap of more than 6 years. The last time I had been to anywhere outside my state was on a trip to Chennai and Bangalore during the middle of the year 2002, after I had just passed my class 11 exams.Really, seems like a long time ago. But I have got my chance again to go out, actually fly out-to the city of Bangalore yet again.Looks to be so exciting at 1st sight! But no, it's not going to be the so called fun trip by any angle. And I had hoped for this day to have never come in my life, for I had thought that by this time I would be there in Bangalore itself.I was almost sure that I have taken the right choice by opting for Bangalore as my test center. But once again to my dismay, but with very little surprise, it has turned out to the wrong one! Here I am, inspite of having so many test centers in kolkata, packing my bags for the flight and 2-day stay there in an unknown city, thanks to a seemingly infinite delay in the arrival of the joining letter from my prospective employer. And for what? a 2 and 1/2 hrs exam.Probably the most important exam I can ever take in my life.I hope though that it does'nt turn out to be a dead end in my life atleast! yes, the most dreaded exam called CAT waits for me on 16th november. How am I prepared for it? the most relevant question that I can think of at this moment, but I don't want to answer it. I just want to remain focussed and positive.

All through our student life we have just wished that this system of examination be stopped one day, thereby relieving us of all the pressure and anxiety linked with it. I am no different in that respect.But the fear of getting below pass marks did'nt ever cross my mind except for once though, when the situation around me was very bad.I was an average student all the way getting decent marks in every other exam I gave during my school days.But yes, I hated the exams nonetheless except the ones for my favorite subject called Mathematics! Oh boy, I have been in love with the numbers all my life. And I can proudly say that I am good at it,though not excellent as I have realized with every passing day, coz there are thousands more ahead of me in their capabilty of handling this numbers stuff.Whatever be it, I have always looked forward to every bit of maths which have sounded interesting to me.I used to spend days and nights on the sums and calculations, neglecting my other subjects in the process.I did regret it sometimes, but now I regret it even more for why did'nt I devote even more time to one of my few little passions! I should have tried to go deeper into it to strengthen my fundamentals, the effect of which could have really change the path of my life. But no use pondering over it now. After so many 100 percent scores in the math tests time to time, there came a time in my life when my touch deserted me. The poorest of timings I can ever think of! I failed to deliver right when it was really needed.The class 12 board exams, WBJEE, AIEEE and so many more to name. I couldn't use my real weapon to guide me through to a top college(Though i think i did'nt actually deserve any better).
Anyway, my performance in the college semester mathematics did'nt turn out to be any different.Just simply poor! I wondered, is this the same me who scored with such ease in the same subject a few yrs back?! Thats when I realized why so many people just dread the word mathematics.Its a subject that can absolutely demoralize you if not handled with care! and so it was. I had literally lost my love for maths.
Well almost, till i realized that sometimes, God does have some good things in store for us. May be thats why he created the exam called CAT! The day I first saw the pattern of the exam, I regained my hopes to reinvigorate that lost passion. About 2/3rd part of this exam is all maths! I once again picked up my pencil and paper to the solve those same old sums .And what a journey it has been since then! For the past 1 and 1/2 yrs most of my Sundays have been spent in taking the mock tests and never for a single day I have thought of skipping them. Thats may be mainly because these are just mocks. Just to judge myself where I stand in the competition. No one cares how much I score in them. I have seen both ups and downs in this phase. There have been weeks when the numbers and the logic behind all has just flown smoothly out of my mind onto the paper and there have been days when I had just passed the time rubbing off the sweat from my forehead on being stuck in problems for eternity, hopelessly. One such day will be etched in my memory for ever ,when in my 1st attempt last yr I failed once again, miserably. The pressure of the exam hall engulfed me one more time just like it has been in the past. Neither do I want to brood over it now nor would I want to repeat the mistakes . I just want to relax.I just wished that someone puts into my mind on November the 16th, that this is yet another mock test of my life, that it does'nt matter how I perform.But sadly I can't do that. I have to just order my mind to do the same.Patience, self-belief and a calm mind will be the order of the day.
I dream of big things but my wish-list is not that big. I will only wish that I perform to the best of my potential on that day mindless of whatever the end result turns out to be.I have always believed in the words of the Bhagvad Gita that we should always devote our efforts towards karma, not the result, for there is no bigger self satisfaction in doing something well ,which you know is well within your capability. I just hope that it turns out to be one such day the next Sunday.The stakes are high, the chances of survival are much less. Just for a day I want to forget what is at stake. I Just want to live the moment!

A visit to madhusaala..

My memories are precious to me. For that matter, everyone do cherish their memories for one reason or the other.But they have become important to me all the more, as I have got very few things to brag about so far in my life. Anyway, today is another such day that will become etched in my memory for eternity. Few years back I would have never thought that I could do such a thing like the one I did today. but I have no regrets whatsoever now.Thanks to some of my close friends- I tasted alcohol today! Isn't much of a big deal, right? I thought I would relish some great chicken dishes today and have some time, well spent with my friends.I got both + extra. My friends took care of my concern that i would be able to return home in good shape. So that was it-One small peg each of Royal stag and Smirnoff, with some Pepsi to add flavor! the 1st thing that i noticed as expected was the strong smell.
If I go by my life's history so far, I can simply be defined in two words- Late learner. Yes, almost every other thing, like learning to understand my mother tongue(didn't ever learn to write in it), learning to ride a bicycle, learning to be inquisitive about things around me , learning to do some things on my own etc etc..even learning to drink cold drinks came late to me. Well, I had Maaza and Frooti most of the time though! Actually I have to admit, I was never that sort of an adventurous guy who likes to try out new things all the time. I have been quite the opposite mostly.Thats the reason I only fell once while trying to learn riding the bicycle. My father was always right there behind me.How could I fall?! Every little thing was taken care of by my parents. How could I have become self-sufficient?! Thats an excuse may be on my part though. I never had that urge inside to learn a few things of my own.But I do have every right to blame mom and dad sometimes ;)
Anyway, coming to the cold drinks part, I only started trying pepsi or cola during 7th or 8th standard perhaps. After that I never ever had any thoughts of trying anything stronger than those things. Bacardi blast, Royal challenge and yeah Royal stag too, all were some kind of alien things too me.I was sure they were not made for me.In fact I thought they shouldn't exist at all at 1st place! Drinking alcohol is a sin- that's what I have been taught. But not anymore when you realize that nothing in this world is absolute.Absolutely nothing! Right or wrong-they are all what we perceive of them. Rest assured, this is the one thing i am lucky to have realized. So, the moment I tasted it I felt proud to have experienced yet another new thing in my life. And luckily for me that experience didn't turn out to be bad at all.My friend insisted to try once more, I agreed. If I had the option of not returning home tonight I would have tried more! But neither I could do so nor I should have. Some things are better kept within limits.
Anyway, I am still strong and steady.No reason why I shouldn't. Afterall, it was not all that strong and 2 pegs can't even put a child to sleep I guess! But I would forever be grateful to this few friends of mine who have added yet another reason to cherish friendship. It feels sad that it might turn out to be my last drink with one of them as he is parting ways with us in a few days. But it will be certainly recorded in my memory for the rest of my life as this is the only thing that never leaves us. Thank you mates, for this lovely little evening of 1st November 2008 at Olypub, Park street! :)

The spirit of Diwali..

Another day is gone.Well, time never stops for anyone. Days, months and years pass by before we realize. It seems to happen all so quickly.But quite a few years back during the hey days of my childhood, it never seemed to me that my life is ever gonna change. It used to feel like i am going to pass exams after exams , and rise up through piles of classes after classes.It never looked , like , one day after passing out a dozen number the whole affair is finally going to end. Indeed, the school life now seems to be the longest chapter in the book of life. And of all the things comprising the school life, celebrating the day of Diwali was an integral part of it. Yes, another day of Diwali has come and gone.Although i can still hear the crackers bursting somewhere, its practically over. But I am happy to say, that after years I really felt this day again as the day of lights and crackers. But those few years back to back during my childhood were something different.
We Bengalis treat the durga puja as the mother of all festivals we have in our culture.But i used to be just the opposite.My wait used to start just after the dashami, for Kali puja! And it was not a one day affair for me.In fact it used to stretch both before and after the real day. For me it used to mean only one thing-crackers, both sound and soundless, nothing else. And I am indebted to my parents especially my father that he never ever used to let me down those few days! Just a couple of days before the Diwali day my eyes would start glimmering at the sight of crackers in the shops. And the just the day before , no sooner than dad used to return from his office i would grab hold of two thailies(sacks), cajole my mother to give atleast RS 300 and just immediately set off for my shopping spree! It used to be the same old shop most of the years, the owner of which knew us very well. I used to start with sparklers,the Fuljharis, then go on to the Anars(my 2nd favorite),then some Charkis and finally onto my all time favorite rockets! I wished if they were a bit more cheaper so that I could buy a little more.Anyway, a 10 piece packet was well enough to satisfy my 'appetite'. And last but not the least, the chocolate bombs were a must buy obviously.With every passing yr though, they went on to become more and more invisible. Anyway, the budget would never remain within the specified limit.Dad always had to hand out atleast an extra 100 rupee note eventually.But back to home, mom never ever used to know the truth as expected!
The next day it used to be a prayer for the sun god to increase his brightness and heat more than any other normal day.The greater the sun bursts, the louder and brighter will the crackers burst! and then the wait finally comes to an end with the end of the day and start of a long night.1st the lighting of candles in every nook and corner of the house(though one yr it was all diyas) to illuminate every surrounding and then the fest begins! Showers of sparkles, from the small Fuljharis and then from the big Anars used to be the opening ceremony. Then comes the launch of rockets. My eyes would follow the full trail of it with a silent wish to see it go as high as possible up in the air! I was never a miser. But during diwali i used to become one.I would keep track of every item spent and see to it that the stock remains to stand for another one and half nights, atleast. Then it would be time to go outside and make some noise- the loud bangs from the bombs! My friends and I would go berserk, forgetting about every other thing in the world, as if that night and crackers would never end. My budget always turned out to be way too much in comparison to that of my friends.For, sometimes i had to forcefully empty the whole bag of crackers on the 3rd day so as not to let anything stretch beyond! To burst crackers on 4 successive days would have been really a foolish idea.
About 6 years have passed. And I am yet to burst another piece of cracker, let alone buy anything.In fact, I hate the sound of the loud ones now.This Diwali was no different. The thrill of indulging in those fantasies at the roof top of your own house is unmatchable to anything like that in a small narrow street by your house now.Because it is no longer your own house.The past 5 years it has been a rented house and now its a flat in a 5 storied apartment. I am no more independent as I used to be.True, the enthusiasm has died down with every year but still, if it had been my same old house I would have surely cared to spent some time with the sparkles.Anyway, I can't help it. But today I did make it a point to feel myself fresh as ever again. I spent the day in a cheerful mood, spreading Diwali wishes to as many friends I can, even some, with whom I haven't talked to for ages. In the evening I put on a brand new shirt and not so new trousers and set out for a stroll with my father. A one hour walk seemed like eternity. The lights at the balconies of virtually every building,the lit up skies, the noisy children with their noisy little crackers , looked all so familiar. I was left realizing that I could have the filled the void left by the absence of my own crackers by just enjoying the glittering night with all its brilliance all these yrs.There is actually more to Diwali than crackers.
I once felt it ridiculous to have so many festivities in our Hindu culture all round the year, giving us enough reasons to indulge in idleness over and over again.But how wrong i was! Its how we perceive the festivals is what matters. The small little joy in short intervals every year makes us keep our momentum going instead of impelling it. Surrounded by problems all around that don't seem to cease, we tend to forget about the struggle although for a single day and wake up with greater vigour the very next day to fight the odds once again I hope , I would feel the same tomorrow and keep trying to motivate myself to stand up against every possible circumstance that blocks my way!

In the realms of uncertainty..

I can only start from where i left off in my last post. Yes, time is running out. In this slow times in my life, apparently things are happening very fast, although not that fast yet, where my own life is concerned. I thought that our farewell day at college will hurt the most to me.For I will never get back those moments which I spent with my friends in the past 4 yrs. But still the attachment, the contact remained for these past few months. We met more than a few times, enjoyed ourselves in each others company as much as we can and at times it looked like this will continue for quite a few days more.I started to believe , that the end of college life is not the end of all.But from now on, that precious little attachment will have its days numbered, literally. Most of my friends have finally received the call letter, from the software giant TCS. They can now have a sigh of relief.The boredom is finally going to end for them. Here comes an end to their post-college life.The corporate world beckons.And they are visibly excited for obvious reasons. In a few days we might have a nice little farewell for them.God knows, if me and my friends from Wipro will get any sort of farewell. To big a thing to hope for I guess! It is really going to hurt now, to the core.
Anyway, I went to college today. It doesn't look the same to me anymore as it used to , until only a few months back. No rush , no familiar faces, no chit-chat, no hulla-bulla. Everything looks new. The ease with which we used to enter the college premises is gone. I have to sign my name, write my purpose, entry time and all those things a stranger does to get permission to enter.Yes, my identity as a student is gone. I am nothing less than a stranger now. Though its not relatively new. My friends and I have accepted this fact long back. So, me and my friend went to the new building they finished right around the time when our own bond with the college ended. Our dept is right at the very top, 5th floor. I consider myself lucky that I didn't have to attend my classes here that much. Anyway, the purpose was project money, the money which we should have got back long back if not for the lack of concern on part of this hopeless professor of our dept. We thought we might have to bear him for atleast half an hour before he lets us go.He is fond of guys. Well, kind of. I don't want to dwelve on it any further.But amazingly we were out of that room in about 5 mins.Yes it was truly a miracle although we were left with Rs 300 less than what we expected.But atleast Rs 900 per head is in our pockets!
Anyway, our job was complete in super quick time. We left the college within 25 mins after we had entered.On our way out, the guard at the gates recognized us as the alumni of the college. Something to be happy about, atleast somebody remembers me! its not my last trip though, i still have some unfinished job in college.
In the evening i was disturbed to hear about the problems a friend of mine has got into.He is also a TCS guy. The joining date is on 10th Nov at trivandrum, while the C-day is on 16th. With trivandrum being not a well connected place through flight routes, he is in for some trouble about how would he be able to make the round trip journey from trivandrum to kolkata.Here i am, right here in kolkata, concerned about how to locate my centre in an unheard place called basavangudi in Bangaluru.And there he is, struggling to find a smooth passage back to his own home. God does play some cruel jokes on us at times! Its all part of our destiny. Some things are simply out of our control.I still believe ,we control our own fate. But when fate itself intends to play tricks on us, we are left helpless. I have to admit, at this point of time, I don't have much control either. The situations are controlling me instead. But I don't mind that as long as I don't lose faith in myself.I don't mind a bumpy road as long as god gives me the necessary strength to keep going. Please stay with me lord, thats all what i want of you in this uncertain period of my life.

Well...i am getting restless now.That the least i can say of my current situation. I don't really know what do to now or what i am supposed to do. Nothing is happening in my life.Absolutely nothing meaningful.Sometimes i think whether I chosen the right time to open my blog.Because if I don't have anything to share at present then all I can do is dig up my past and write a few things about my memories. well, i don't feel like doing that as well at this point of time. When the time comes I will definitely try to revive a few of my memories, because they are precious to me.
Anyway, if anyone wants to learn a few things about inconsistency,they are free to approach me. i am turning out to be a master of it. Yet again I didn't have a clue for most of the time today about what to do with my DI section. The name is Data Interpretation ; and i just do the opposite, getting puzzled all over the data and interpreting almost nothing! I still don't know, being good with numbers from my childhood why do i get stuck in handling these numerical data! No use in pondering over this issue. If i did'nt get the answer in this past 1 and 1/2 yrs, there is no reason i am going to crack it in a second now. Enough of it, no more crap.Its simple wastage of space.Practice,practice and more practice is my only way out. time is running out.

In deep waters..trying to stay afloat.

Its very difficult to be happy these days. I can't afford a genuine smile amid what is going on around me.Yet another day has passed, and the wait goes on.A wait for my future employer. Few weeks back i used to laugh at the apprehensions shown by a friend of mine, over whether he will be able to stay at the company or not, with job cuts in IT market showing up regularly nowadays. Now, being engulfed by the economic downturn all around, i do really have started to reciprocate his feelings slowly. Forget about being fired, i am now bothered if any chance of such a situation will arise afterall. I atleast did not have any thoughts about it anyway.But when even some IIT students get regret letters from their prospective employers even before joining, then its certainly something fearful to think about.The news about this , carried by TOI on their front page today have really shaken me up a bit.
Anyway, my changed attitude towards life over the years is helping me to keep myself unfazed by all this. I am trying to live in the present and not crying over what is not in my hands. Preparing for the D-day on Nov 16 th is the foremost passion which is keeping me busy , alongwith a recently developed interest over politics. I feel utterly shameful about the fact that I didn't bother to care about the political scenario of my country in the past.Whatever it is, i do intend to make amends for that from now on. Anyway, i don't know how to interpret the drama we just visualized until now over the reinstatement of 1900 odd sacked employees of jet airways.It looks to be a good reason to celebrate for those people.But certainly the picture is not without some inside politics.Well ,Mr. Goyal says he had a 'conscience call'.He couldn't apparently face the trauma of his sacked employees. Well,he means to say that a businessman of his stature acts practically one day and resorts to his emotions the very next day.But of course we people are not going to buy into it. As very logically pointed out by a friend of mine, may be some aviation fuel subsidy has been offered to him. Although it looks highly unlikely after i read today that fuel companies haven't agreed to his demands so far as he has defaulted thousands of crores on them till date.
May be the govt have come out internally with a bail out plan ,who knows.
But whatever be the reason, i have been extremely disturbed by the way the MNS party chief Mr. Raj thackrey has gained political mileage from this whole fiasco.The way this man is carrying out his ideology of regionalism in Maharashtra has left me seething with anger over why this man is still roaming free! He doesn't advocate for the common masses, instead he tries to use the regional boundaries in his favour and threatens to widen them even more with his vested interests. His recent outrage against Mrs jaya bacchan for his alleged UP attachments were beyond any level of comprehension. As far as this recent jet crisis is concerned what role did he and his party workers played will become very clear if you read this small article below:
http://www.rediff.com/money/2008/oct/17air2.htm
Seems so childish, isn't it? but Mr. Thackrey have accomplished his job.He have already received the accolades from the re-employed employees.He has become a 'saviour' to them.
I have always visualized myself as a Indian citizen 1st , a Bengali next, for which I have received quite a bit of flak from the people i am close to. But i don't care.Because i know that the true development of a nation is only possible when we estrange ourselves from all our regional boundaries and become ONE as a nation.But this self-centered man is oblivious to all such ideologies.
I have many more ideas to share about this Regionalism vs Nationalism issue which i will surely do very soon.
With all these misery around,the only solace i could find was from our very own Sachin's achievement today. He stands on top now! The great actor Tom alter, signed off with a beautiful statement that 'when Sachin is in full flow,watching him feels like nothing can go wrong in your own life!' Truly speaking, i have never felt the same kind of thrill in watching a masterful innings from any other batsman in the world , the way i feel watching Sachin play, even today! way to go Sir!!
And last but not the least, the week has ended and the weekend is here again. With my previous mock score having helped me regain my self-confidence just in time, I prayed for Saturday to come at the earliest, to try my hands on yet another mock! lets hope that i can again push myself up for the final phase leading to the most important test of character of my life so far! :)

Back from the dead,atleast for the time being!

At last a breather of some sorts! Although I don't know for how long it's gonna stick, may not be enough for more than a week, going by the way I am performing. But truely speaking I would have gone into a shell if i had disappointed myself for yet another day, this Sunday. I have had enough of it for the last 1 month or so.So I had already told myself to treat the day as now or never. Strange are the God's ways at times! I have been so hard at it (i really did so honestly!) for weeks, but still , anyone who will have a look at my recent mock scores will straightaway tell me to stop wasting my time at it and advise me rest! Each and every week,the same silly story gets repeated..silly,silly and more silly mistakes. 4421-1244=3277. Wow,what a subtraction! Seems like my extra love for mathematics have puzzled my brain a bit too much. Its these silly mistakes again which revive me again after every failure, telling me that 'thank God, I am clear at my concepts! Its only the silly mistakes, i can get rid of them.' But seldom this does happen, nor is it supposed to be so. Afterall, silliness is habit, a very dreadful habit indeed.
But I simply can not express myself in words about how light i felt the moment i finished my paper this sunday! I don't care how many more others are going to score.But i do know that i did relatively well, a lot more than I had expected given the mental state I am in-Completely down and out in confidence levels! The same sum which took me 5 mins to solve might have taken 2-3 mins during my happier days! An envelope of self-doubt has been created around me these days. Whatever things i do, i tend to double-check it although at the back of my mind I do know that its absolutely alright. With only one month to go for the D-day or rather the C-day whatever you call it, i have to come out of this recluse and get myself kicking again right the way I started it off. Not even in my wildest dreams had i thought that i can stoop to such levels of mediocrity after such a quick rise to brilliance.Well, i can't change now what has happened. The only thing i can and should do is look forward to coming weekends and gain back my real-self again. CAT is not the end of my life but its the one which can really change my life. But i would rather like to focus on what i would want to do with the cat.Not letting it to play on me , instead i would like to play with it.BEST OF LUCK to me!

End of Pujas..

Today is ekadashi. All the hoopla surrounding the Pujas is slowly coming to end, yet again. Maa is returning to her abode and will come down again next year to enlighten us.At times I have wondered,whats so much of this excitement all about? Months before the festivities begin, people flock around the market for new cloths, accessories for only these 4-5 days (actually it varies!) of madness. Do we really need a reason to buy clothes? Of course we don't throw away the clothes after the Pujas end, but neither do many don the clothes before the pujas! When I used to stay at kharagpur ,the Pujas used to end as soon as they had started, because the real enthusiasm used to begin from Saptami onwards as most of the pandals remained unprepared till Shasti.That used to feel horrible at times for the lack of commitment on the part of the people who used to delay the construction till the last moment. My local Puja pandal itself looked a skeleton before Shasti with only its framework standing.They used to work that night and day after to finish it off in a hurry.The end product looked beautiful though I have to say. But nevertheless most of us are carrying forward the same tradition of last minute preparations!
Anyway, coming to the topic, I first realized the elation generated for these small pleasures of life from an incident apparently irrevelant from the present point of view.That was probably during the 2nd year of our college.Our dept. cricket team seemed to be losing by a heavy margin.Loads of runs were required from the final few overs.I for once had left all hopes and was just waiting for the inevitable.But what i was watching looked remarkably foolish.Most of my classmates were still cheering like the most optimistic fools god has ever made! We needed sixes and fours from virtually every ball. How the hell were we gonna make it from here?? Ok,the batsman was trying his best to do the necessary and hitting the runs at regular intervals to keep us in the match.But for how long? God himself has to descend down to earth and take the matters in his own hands.That was'nt going to happen obviously...but it happened! Though instead of himself , I think the god had sent down the devil on his behalf who I think , entered into one of their bowlers soul! Every ball he throwed down the pitch seemed headed for the slip fielders.They were wides, the widest wides i hav ever seen! In minutes , we had got an extra run generator and there came the required run rate , going down and down with each ball. Suddenly it seemed very much possible , and there I went , going berserk with my apparently foolish classmates and cheering my team every single second. I am sorry to say that our team did lose the match finally but not the way I had expected.It seemed mathematically possible till the very last over. But what I had won for myself was a valuable lesson-a hard yet simple fact, that in the small moments of happiness , are sown the seeds of eternal bliss! Whatever seems to be the fate in our immediate future , going down the ways of gloominess will never lead to anything consequential. I wonder why people pray to god in fear on the day of any result being announced.The result has already been prepared, printed on paper.Its not gonna change no matter how much we beg to god! Its not in our hands anymore, bcoz that opportunity has already passed during exam days.
All said and done,that vital lesson leads me to the answer for the craze surrounding the Pujas. Its about coming out of the hectic pattern of life ,although for a few days.but these few days uncover so much energy before and thereafter that you can spent days in anticipation for it without any a hint of tiredness. I realized this to the fullest these few days where the mental strength seemed to stretch me beyond my physical limits.It seems god does descend on earth atleast for we bengalis, during these few days, in an invisible yet illuminating form of energy!

Finally,I am in!

So finally I have entered this new atmosphere,the blogosphere. What made me indulge myself suddenly in such seemingly 'useless' passion when i have lots of other things to do? Well, i really don't know if i have the urge to do anything 'useful' at this moment. About 5 months has gone down the drain since the final days of college ended. Living a mundane lifestyle, doing nothing except munching, idling away hrs and hrs before the PC, solving those intelligent but apparently foolish sums again and again, and last but not the least waiting for the big brother Wipro to come and invite us to do bonded labour, has made me bored to the core! Is this why i have chosen another one to add to the ever-increasing list ofpass time activities? ummm, partly yes,mostly no.
The passion for owning a personal blog stems from the very early days.The primary objective was although different-to create a personal web page.This was when i was developing interests in programming and the concept of originality(i still believe in it though).But over time, the motivation and urge to go deeper into the technicality of doing the necessary began to recede slowly.Somewhere down the line it vanished one day. Although a bit of passion was reinvigorated during the hey days of the HPL but it was not enough to fuel the fire. That thirst was not going to die down so easily.
I was a very emotional person from the very beginning .I try to remember every positive as well as negative points in my life. I try to give the due attention to few little memories or thoughts i have, in my so far relatively insignificant life. But i have never been able to do so in a systematic manner.In fact my life has been almost fully unsystematic till date. So in order to bring some order into it I have rested my hopes on this blog. Besides, being a broad-minded individual, I think I will be able to rediscover different attributes of myself while expressing my thoughts here in paper.Being a voracious reader of anything meaningful and an intense lover of the beautiful language called English,will no doubt help me in this quest. Quite a few times I have backtracked due to this inherent laziness of mine, contemplating whether I would be able to maintain the same interest throughout.But not anymore! I have decided do justice to my cause.Come whatever in the way,be it the hectic ways of life with its numerous problems, I hereby vow to commit myself to this small passion of my life and take care of it with pleasure.