The spirit of Diwali..

Another day is gone.Well, time never stops for anyone. Days, months and years pass by before we realize. It seems to happen all so quickly.But quite a few years back during the hey days of my childhood, it never seemed to me that my life is ever gonna change. It used to feel like i am going to pass exams after exams , and rise up through piles of classes after classes.It never looked , like , one day after passing out a dozen number the whole affair is finally going to end. Indeed, the school life now seems to be the longest chapter in the book of life. And of all the things comprising the school life, celebrating the day of Diwali was an integral part of it. Yes, another day of Diwali has come and gone.Although i can still hear the crackers bursting somewhere, its practically over. But I am happy to say, that after years I really felt this day again as the day of lights and crackers. But those few years back to back during my childhood were something different.
We Bengalis treat the durga puja as the mother of all festivals we have in our culture.But i used to be just the opposite.My wait used to start just after the dashami, for Kali puja! And it was not a one day affair for me.In fact it used to stretch both before and after the real day. For me it used to mean only one thing-crackers, both sound and soundless, nothing else. And I am indebted to my parents especially my father that he never ever used to let me down those few days! Just a couple of days before the Diwali day my eyes would start glimmering at the sight of crackers in the shops. And the just the day before , no sooner than dad used to return from his office i would grab hold of two thailies(sacks), cajole my mother to give atleast RS 300 and just immediately set off for my shopping spree! It used to be the same old shop most of the years, the owner of which knew us very well. I used to start with sparklers,the Fuljharis, then go on to the Anars(my 2nd favorite),then some Charkis and finally onto my all time favorite rockets! I wished if they were a bit more cheaper so that I could buy a little more.Anyway, a 10 piece packet was well enough to satisfy my 'appetite'. And last but not the least, the chocolate bombs were a must buy obviously.With every passing yr though, they went on to become more and more invisible. Anyway, the budget would never remain within the specified limit.Dad always had to hand out atleast an extra 100 rupee note eventually.But back to home, mom never ever used to know the truth as expected!
The next day it used to be a prayer for the sun god to increase his brightness and heat more than any other normal day.The greater the sun bursts, the louder and brighter will the crackers burst! and then the wait finally comes to an end with the end of the day and start of a long night.1st the lighting of candles in every nook and corner of the house(though one yr it was all diyas) to illuminate every surrounding and then the fest begins! Showers of sparkles, from the small Fuljharis and then from the big Anars used to be the opening ceremony. Then comes the launch of rockets. My eyes would follow the full trail of it with a silent wish to see it go as high as possible up in the air! I was never a miser. But during diwali i used to become one.I would keep track of every item spent and see to it that the stock remains to stand for another one and half nights, atleast. Then it would be time to go outside and make some noise- the loud bangs from the bombs! My friends and I would go berserk, forgetting about every other thing in the world, as if that night and crackers would never end. My budget always turned out to be way too much in comparison to that of my friends.For, sometimes i had to forcefully empty the whole bag of crackers on the 3rd day so as not to let anything stretch beyond! To burst crackers on 4 successive days would have been really a foolish idea.
About 6 years have passed. And I am yet to burst another piece of cracker, let alone buy anything.In fact, I hate the sound of the loud ones now.This Diwali was no different. The thrill of indulging in those fantasies at the roof top of your own house is unmatchable to anything like that in a small narrow street by your house now.Because it is no longer your own house.The past 5 years it has been a rented house and now its a flat in a 5 storied apartment. I am no more independent as I used to be.True, the enthusiasm has died down with every year but still, if it had been my same old house I would have surely cared to spent some time with the sparkles.Anyway, I can't help it. But today I did make it a point to feel myself fresh as ever again. I spent the day in a cheerful mood, spreading Diwali wishes to as many friends I can, even some, with whom I haven't talked to for ages. In the evening I put on a brand new shirt and not so new trousers and set out for a stroll with my father. A one hour walk seemed like eternity. The lights at the balconies of virtually every building,the lit up skies, the noisy children with their noisy little crackers , looked all so familiar. I was left realizing that I could have the filled the void left by the absence of my own crackers by just enjoying the glittering night with all its brilliance all these yrs.There is actually more to Diwali than crackers.
I once felt it ridiculous to have so many festivities in our Hindu culture all round the year, giving us enough reasons to indulge in idleness over and over again.But how wrong i was! Its how we perceive the festivals is what matters. The small little joy in short intervals every year makes us keep our momentum going instead of impelling it. Surrounded by problems all around that don't seem to cease, we tend to forget about the struggle although for a single day and wake up with greater vigour the very next day to fight the odds once again I hope , I would feel the same tomorrow and keep trying to motivate myself to stand up against every possible circumstance that blocks my way!

In the realms of uncertainty..

I can only start from where i left off in my last post. Yes, time is running out. In this slow times in my life, apparently things are happening very fast, although not that fast yet, where my own life is concerned. I thought that our farewell day at college will hurt the most to me.For I will never get back those moments which I spent with my friends in the past 4 yrs. But still the attachment, the contact remained for these past few months. We met more than a few times, enjoyed ourselves in each others company as much as we can and at times it looked like this will continue for quite a few days more.I started to believe , that the end of college life is not the end of all.But from now on, that precious little attachment will have its days numbered, literally. Most of my friends have finally received the call letter, from the software giant TCS. They can now have a sigh of relief.The boredom is finally going to end for them. Here comes an end to their post-college life.The corporate world beckons.And they are visibly excited for obvious reasons. In a few days we might have a nice little farewell for them.God knows, if me and my friends from Wipro will get any sort of farewell. To big a thing to hope for I guess! It is really going to hurt now, to the core.
Anyway, I went to college today. It doesn't look the same to me anymore as it used to , until only a few months back. No rush , no familiar faces, no chit-chat, no hulla-bulla. Everything looks new. The ease with which we used to enter the college premises is gone. I have to sign my name, write my purpose, entry time and all those things a stranger does to get permission to enter.Yes, my identity as a student is gone. I am nothing less than a stranger now. Though its not relatively new. My friends and I have accepted this fact long back. So, me and my friend went to the new building they finished right around the time when our own bond with the college ended. Our dept is right at the very top, 5th floor. I consider myself lucky that I didn't have to attend my classes here that much. Anyway, the purpose was project money, the money which we should have got back long back if not for the lack of concern on part of this hopeless professor of our dept. We thought we might have to bear him for atleast half an hour before he lets us go.He is fond of guys. Well, kind of. I don't want to dwelve on it any further.But amazingly we were out of that room in about 5 mins.Yes it was truly a miracle although we were left with Rs 300 less than what we expected.But atleast Rs 900 per head is in our pockets!
Anyway, our job was complete in super quick time. We left the college within 25 mins after we had entered.On our way out, the guard at the gates recognized us as the alumni of the college. Something to be happy about, atleast somebody remembers me! its not my last trip though, i still have some unfinished job in college.
In the evening i was disturbed to hear about the problems a friend of mine has got into.He is also a TCS guy. The joining date is on 10th Nov at trivandrum, while the C-day is on 16th. With trivandrum being not a well connected place through flight routes, he is in for some trouble about how would he be able to make the round trip journey from trivandrum to kolkata.Here i am, right here in kolkata, concerned about how to locate my centre in an unheard place called basavangudi in Bangaluru.And there he is, struggling to find a smooth passage back to his own home. God does play some cruel jokes on us at times! Its all part of our destiny. Some things are simply out of our control.I still believe ,we control our own fate. But when fate itself intends to play tricks on us, we are left helpless. I have to admit, at this point of time, I don't have much control either. The situations are controlling me instead. But I don't mind that as long as I don't lose faith in myself.I don't mind a bumpy road as long as god gives me the necessary strength to keep going. Please stay with me lord, thats all what i want of you in this uncertain period of my life.

Well...i am getting restless now.That the least i can say of my current situation. I don't really know what do to now or what i am supposed to do. Nothing is happening in my life.Absolutely nothing meaningful.Sometimes i think whether I chosen the right time to open my blog.Because if I don't have anything to share at present then all I can do is dig up my past and write a few things about my memories. well, i don't feel like doing that as well at this point of time. When the time comes I will definitely try to revive a few of my memories, because they are precious to me.
Anyway, if anyone wants to learn a few things about inconsistency,they are free to approach me. i am turning out to be a master of it. Yet again I didn't have a clue for most of the time today about what to do with my DI section. The name is Data Interpretation ; and i just do the opposite, getting puzzled all over the data and interpreting almost nothing! I still don't know, being good with numbers from my childhood why do i get stuck in handling these numerical data! No use in pondering over this issue. If i did'nt get the answer in this past 1 and 1/2 yrs, there is no reason i am going to crack it in a second now. Enough of it, no more crap.Its simple wastage of space.Practice,practice and more practice is my only way out. time is running out.

In deep waters..trying to stay afloat.

Its very difficult to be happy these days. I can't afford a genuine smile amid what is going on around me.Yet another day has passed, and the wait goes on.A wait for my future employer. Few weeks back i used to laugh at the apprehensions shown by a friend of mine, over whether he will be able to stay at the company or not, with job cuts in IT market showing up regularly nowadays. Now, being engulfed by the economic downturn all around, i do really have started to reciprocate his feelings slowly. Forget about being fired, i am now bothered if any chance of such a situation will arise afterall. I atleast did not have any thoughts about it anyway.But when even some IIT students get regret letters from their prospective employers even before joining, then its certainly something fearful to think about.The news about this , carried by TOI on their front page today have really shaken me up a bit.
Anyway, my changed attitude towards life over the years is helping me to keep myself unfazed by all this. I am trying to live in the present and not crying over what is not in my hands. Preparing for the D-day on Nov 16 th is the foremost passion which is keeping me busy , alongwith a recently developed interest over politics. I feel utterly shameful about the fact that I didn't bother to care about the political scenario of my country in the past.Whatever it is, i do intend to make amends for that from now on. Anyway, i don't know how to interpret the drama we just visualized until now over the reinstatement of 1900 odd sacked employees of jet airways.It looks to be a good reason to celebrate for those people.But certainly the picture is not without some inside politics.Well ,Mr. Goyal says he had a 'conscience call'.He couldn't apparently face the trauma of his sacked employees. Well,he means to say that a businessman of his stature acts practically one day and resorts to his emotions the very next day.But of course we people are not going to buy into it. As very logically pointed out by a friend of mine, may be some aviation fuel subsidy has been offered to him. Although it looks highly unlikely after i read today that fuel companies haven't agreed to his demands so far as he has defaulted thousands of crores on them till date.
May be the govt have come out internally with a bail out plan ,who knows.
But whatever be the reason, i have been extremely disturbed by the way the MNS party chief Mr. Raj thackrey has gained political mileage from this whole fiasco.The way this man is carrying out his ideology of regionalism in Maharashtra has left me seething with anger over why this man is still roaming free! He doesn't advocate for the common masses, instead he tries to use the regional boundaries in his favour and threatens to widen them even more with his vested interests. His recent outrage against Mrs jaya bacchan for his alleged UP attachments were beyond any level of comprehension. As far as this recent jet crisis is concerned what role did he and his party workers played will become very clear if you read this small article below:
http://www.rediff.com/money/2008/oct/17air2.htm
Seems so childish, isn't it? but Mr. Thackrey have accomplished his job.He have already received the accolades from the re-employed employees.He has become a 'saviour' to them.
I have always visualized myself as a Indian citizen 1st , a Bengali next, for which I have received quite a bit of flak from the people i am close to. But i don't care.Because i know that the true development of a nation is only possible when we estrange ourselves from all our regional boundaries and become ONE as a nation.But this self-centered man is oblivious to all such ideologies.
I have many more ideas to share about this Regionalism vs Nationalism issue which i will surely do very soon.
With all these misery around,the only solace i could find was from our very own Sachin's achievement today. He stands on top now! The great actor Tom alter, signed off with a beautiful statement that 'when Sachin is in full flow,watching him feels like nothing can go wrong in your own life!' Truly speaking, i have never felt the same kind of thrill in watching a masterful innings from any other batsman in the world , the way i feel watching Sachin play, even today! way to go Sir!!
And last but not the least, the week has ended and the weekend is here again. With my previous mock score having helped me regain my self-confidence just in time, I prayed for Saturday to come at the earliest, to try my hands on yet another mock! lets hope that i can again push myself up for the final phase leading to the most important test of character of my life so far! :)

Back from the dead,atleast for the time being!

At last a breather of some sorts! Although I don't know for how long it's gonna stick, may not be enough for more than a week, going by the way I am performing. But truely speaking I would have gone into a shell if i had disappointed myself for yet another day, this Sunday. I have had enough of it for the last 1 month or so.So I had already told myself to treat the day as now or never. Strange are the God's ways at times! I have been so hard at it (i really did so honestly!) for weeks, but still , anyone who will have a look at my recent mock scores will straightaway tell me to stop wasting my time at it and advise me rest! Each and every week,the same silly story gets repeated..silly,silly and more silly mistakes. 4421-1244=3277. Wow,what a subtraction! Seems like my extra love for mathematics have puzzled my brain a bit too much. Its these silly mistakes again which revive me again after every failure, telling me that 'thank God, I am clear at my concepts! Its only the silly mistakes, i can get rid of them.' But seldom this does happen, nor is it supposed to be so. Afterall, silliness is habit, a very dreadful habit indeed.
But I simply can not express myself in words about how light i felt the moment i finished my paper this sunday! I don't care how many more others are going to score.But i do know that i did relatively well, a lot more than I had expected given the mental state I am in-Completely down and out in confidence levels! The same sum which took me 5 mins to solve might have taken 2-3 mins during my happier days! An envelope of self-doubt has been created around me these days. Whatever things i do, i tend to double-check it although at the back of my mind I do know that its absolutely alright. With only one month to go for the D-day or rather the C-day whatever you call it, i have to come out of this recluse and get myself kicking again right the way I started it off. Not even in my wildest dreams had i thought that i can stoop to such levels of mediocrity after such a quick rise to brilliance.Well, i can't change now what has happened. The only thing i can and should do is look forward to coming weekends and gain back my real-self again. CAT is not the end of my life but its the one which can really change my life. But i would rather like to focus on what i would want to do with the cat.Not letting it to play on me , instead i would like to play with it.BEST OF LUCK to me!

End of Pujas..

Today is ekadashi. All the hoopla surrounding the Pujas is slowly coming to end, yet again. Maa is returning to her abode and will come down again next year to enlighten us.At times I have wondered,whats so much of this excitement all about? Months before the festivities begin, people flock around the market for new cloths, accessories for only these 4-5 days (actually it varies!) of madness. Do we really need a reason to buy clothes? Of course we don't throw away the clothes after the Pujas end, but neither do many don the clothes before the pujas! When I used to stay at kharagpur ,the Pujas used to end as soon as they had started, because the real enthusiasm used to begin from Saptami onwards as most of the pandals remained unprepared till Shasti.That used to feel horrible at times for the lack of commitment on the part of the people who used to delay the construction till the last moment. My local Puja pandal itself looked a skeleton before Shasti with only its framework standing.They used to work that night and day after to finish it off in a hurry.The end product looked beautiful though I have to say. But nevertheless most of us are carrying forward the same tradition of last minute preparations!
Anyway, coming to the topic, I first realized the elation generated for these small pleasures of life from an incident apparently irrevelant from the present point of view.That was probably during the 2nd year of our college.Our dept. cricket team seemed to be losing by a heavy margin.Loads of runs were required from the final few overs.I for once had left all hopes and was just waiting for the inevitable.But what i was watching looked remarkably foolish.Most of my classmates were still cheering like the most optimistic fools god has ever made! We needed sixes and fours from virtually every ball. How the hell were we gonna make it from here?? Ok,the batsman was trying his best to do the necessary and hitting the runs at regular intervals to keep us in the match.But for how long? God himself has to descend down to earth and take the matters in his own hands.That was'nt going to happen obviously...but it happened! Though instead of himself , I think the god had sent down the devil on his behalf who I think , entered into one of their bowlers soul! Every ball he throwed down the pitch seemed headed for the slip fielders.They were wides, the widest wides i hav ever seen! In minutes , we had got an extra run generator and there came the required run rate , going down and down with each ball. Suddenly it seemed very much possible , and there I went , going berserk with my apparently foolish classmates and cheering my team every single second. I am sorry to say that our team did lose the match finally but not the way I had expected.It seemed mathematically possible till the very last over. But what I had won for myself was a valuable lesson-a hard yet simple fact, that in the small moments of happiness , are sown the seeds of eternal bliss! Whatever seems to be the fate in our immediate future , going down the ways of gloominess will never lead to anything consequential. I wonder why people pray to god in fear on the day of any result being announced.The result has already been prepared, printed on paper.Its not gonna change no matter how much we beg to god! Its not in our hands anymore, bcoz that opportunity has already passed during exam days.
All said and done,that vital lesson leads me to the answer for the craze surrounding the Pujas. Its about coming out of the hectic pattern of life ,although for a few days.but these few days uncover so much energy before and thereafter that you can spent days in anticipation for it without any a hint of tiredness. I realized this to the fullest these few days where the mental strength seemed to stretch me beyond my physical limits.It seems god does descend on earth atleast for we bengalis, during these few days, in an invisible yet illuminating form of energy!

Finally,I am in!

So finally I have entered this new atmosphere,the blogosphere. What made me indulge myself suddenly in such seemingly 'useless' passion when i have lots of other things to do? Well, i really don't know if i have the urge to do anything 'useful' at this moment. About 5 months has gone down the drain since the final days of college ended. Living a mundane lifestyle, doing nothing except munching, idling away hrs and hrs before the PC, solving those intelligent but apparently foolish sums again and again, and last but not the least waiting for the big brother Wipro to come and invite us to do bonded labour, has made me bored to the core! Is this why i have chosen another one to add to the ever-increasing list ofpass time activities? ummm, partly yes,mostly no.
The passion for owning a personal blog stems from the very early days.The primary objective was although different-to create a personal web page.This was when i was developing interests in programming and the concept of originality(i still believe in it though).But over time, the motivation and urge to go deeper into the technicality of doing the necessary began to recede slowly.Somewhere down the line it vanished one day. Although a bit of passion was reinvigorated during the hey days of the HPL but it was not enough to fuel the fire. That thirst was not going to die down so easily.
I was a very emotional person from the very beginning .I try to remember every positive as well as negative points in my life. I try to give the due attention to few little memories or thoughts i have, in my so far relatively insignificant life. But i have never been able to do so in a systematic manner.In fact my life has been almost fully unsystematic till date. So in order to bring some order into it I have rested my hopes on this blog. Besides, being a broad-minded individual, I think I will be able to rediscover different attributes of myself while expressing my thoughts here in paper.Being a voracious reader of anything meaningful and an intense lover of the beautiful language called English,will no doubt help me in this quest. Quite a few times I have backtracked due to this inherent laziness of mine, contemplating whether I would be able to maintain the same interest throughout.But not anymore! I have decided do justice to my cause.Come whatever in the way,be it the hectic ways of life with its numerous problems, I hereby vow to commit myself to this small passion of my life and take care of it with pleasure.