Finally I am going out, after a long gap of more than 6 years. The last time I had been to anywhere outside my state was on a trip to Chennai and Bangalore during the middle of the year 2002, after I had just passed my class 11 exams.Really, seems like a long time ago. But I have got my chance again to go out, actually fly out-to the city of Bangalore yet again.Looks to be so exciting at 1st sight! But no, it's not going to be the so called fun trip by any angle. And I had hoped for this day to have never come in my life, for I had thought that by this time I would be there in Bangalore itself.I was almost sure that I have taken the right choice by opting for Bangalore as my test center. But once again to my dismay, but with very little surprise, it has turned out to the wrong one! Here I am, inspite of having so many test centers in kolkata, packing my bags for the flight and 2-day stay there in an unknown city, thanks to a seemingly infinite delay in the arrival of the joining letter from my prospective employer. And for what? a 2 and 1/2 hrs exam.Probably the most important exam I can ever take in my life.I hope though that it does'nt turn out to be a dead end in my life atleast! yes, the most dreaded exam called CAT waits for me on 16th november. How am I prepared for it? the most relevant question that I can think of at this moment, but I don't want to answer it. I just want to remain focussed and positive.
All through our student life we have just wished that this system of examination be stopped one day, thereby relieving us of all the pressure and anxiety linked with it. I am no different in that respect.But the fear of getting below pass marks did'nt ever cross my mind except for once though, when the situation around me was very bad.I was an average student all the way getting decent marks in every other exam I gave during my school days.But yes, I hated the exams nonetheless except the ones for my favorite subject called Mathematics! Oh boy, I have been in love with the numbers all my life. And I can proudly say that I am good at it,though not excellent as I have realized with every passing day, coz there are thousands more ahead of me in their capabilty of handling this numbers stuff.Whatever be it, I have always looked forward to every bit of maths which have sounded interesting to me.I used to spend days and nights on the sums and calculations, neglecting my other subjects in the process.I did regret it sometimes, but now I regret it even more for why did'nt I devote even more time to one of my few little passions! I should have tried to go deeper into it to strengthen my fundamentals, the effect of which could have really change the path of my life. But no use pondering over it now. After so many 100 percent scores in the math tests time to time, there came a time in my life when my touch deserted me. The poorest of timings I can ever think of! I failed to deliver right when it was really needed.The class 12 board exams, WBJEE, AIEEE and so many more to name. I couldn't use my real weapon to guide me through to a top college(Though i think i did'nt actually deserve any better).
Anyway, my performance in the college semester mathematics did'nt turn out to be any different.Just simply poor! I wondered, is this the same me who scored with such ease in the same subject a few yrs back?! Thats when I realized why so many people just dread the word mathematics.Its a subject that can absolutely demoralize you if not handled with care! and so it was. I had literally lost my love for maths.
Well almost, till i realized that sometimes, God does have some good things in store for us. May be thats why he created the exam called CAT! The day I first saw the pattern of the exam, I regained my hopes to reinvigorate that lost passion. About 2/3rd part of this exam is all maths! I once again picked up my pencil and paper to the solve those same old sums .And what a journey it has been since then! For the past 1 and 1/2 yrs most of my Sundays have been spent in taking the mock tests and never for a single day I have thought of skipping them. Thats may be mainly because these are just mocks. Just to judge myself where I stand in the competition. No one cares how much I score in them. I have seen both ups and downs in this phase. There have been weeks when the numbers and the logic behind all has just flown smoothly out of my mind onto the paper and there have been days when I had just passed the time rubbing off the sweat from my forehead on being stuck in problems for eternity, hopelessly. One such day will be etched in my memory for ever ,when in my 1st attempt last yr I failed once again, miserably. The pressure of the exam hall engulfed me one more time just like it has been in the past. Neither do I want to brood over it now nor would I want to repeat the mistakes . I just want to relax.I just wished that someone puts into my mind on November the 16th, that this is yet another mock test of my life, that it does'nt matter how I perform.But sadly I can't do that. I have to just order my mind to do the same.Patience, self-belief and a calm mind will be the order of the day.
I dream of big things but my wish-list is not that big. I will only wish that I perform to the best of my potential on that day mindless of whatever the end result turns out to be.I have always believed in the words of the Bhagvad Gita that we should always devote our efforts towards karma, not the result, for there is no bigger self satisfaction in doing something well ,which you know is well within your capability. I just hope that it turns out to be one such day the next Sunday.The stakes are high, the chances of survival are much less. Just for a day I want to forget what is at stake. I Just want to live the moment!
4 comments:
Loads of good wishes boy! Keep the spirits high. I have never dared to take the exam you are going to take, so in some way you are already a winner to me.
Cheers to that
thanks for the wishes brother! i am not that daring as u think man.;) i am scared of the exam too in a way,due to the fear of failure.i just wish that i forget about success and failure these few days!
I found myself nodding in agreement to almost every sentence in this post. From childhood I have had a cherished dream that one fine day I will find the system of examinations done away with. Alas! Such dreams never become reality. But the hope of doing well in these exams always remains and more often than not it is this hope which keeps us moving on.
Exams can be addictive at times Subhra, especially when someone(including me) tries hard to outsmart them and fails to do so repeatedly even when he/she was very close to doing it.To have the feel of that happiness , to be up there where so many successful people have been in the past just makes you stand up again and again to face it!
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