Where are we heading towards??

My heart bled.I felt like crying.But the tears wouldn't just flow, for I had made a so-called resolution quite some time back that I won't cry anymore as I had done so many times in the past. Boys just don't cry.In fact they must not cry! I don't fully know yet what makes me think like this but I so wished that just for a few moments, such thoughts didn't cross my mind.
I don't know what exactly to feel today when I see these pictures of blood, dead bodies, fire and above all, absolute terror everywhere,writ large on the faces of the victims and sympathizers at the very spot. I curse my luck, to have gone out of station yesterday, not having a single clue of what was happening outside my domain. I only got to know about all this only in the morning on a visit to a friend's house, and could only follow what had happened actually so far after I had returned home in the evening.Since then I have not been able to take off my eyes from the news channels for a second.Does anyone really care about all these except a handful??? If the most of us did, someone or the other could have talked about it with me on phone , just for the sake of it.Even if everyone feels for these 100 odd dead people today, I am not sure how much they will actually care about tomorrow! I have lost count of the no. of times we have been attacked this year. Just when I thought that it couldn't get any worse than this I have been proved totally wrong! I am simply short of ideas about how such an act of a gargantuan magnitude like this can go largely unnoticed. The militants have the so called sophisticated MP5s, large mag zines enabled for firing upto 300 bullets each, countless grenades and according to some, even rocket launchers!! Those people had come armed with even satellite phones which i don't think except a few, most of our forces have even heard of. And after all the mayhem has been enacted, the NSG forces arrive after 9 hours delay! Not before we had lost 2 of our valiant officers of the Mumbai police and the ATS chief.All we can do is 'salute' them or follow a minute of silence in their respect.Nothing more. These are the true leaders of the nation who acted fearlessly leading from the front and facing the bullets before their fellow soldiers! It was bound to happen because all that the government can provide our officers and soldiers is half sleeve non-bullet proof vests and a penetrable helmet. The government doesn't even care to look after the disparity of the pay-scales of our army men after the 6th pay commision review, and yet they expect them to fight hopelessly for us and our politicians, who can only think of the caste and creed of terror, Hindu or Islamic! Utter shame!!
I was really moved by the comments of some Mr. Sohail(whom I have seen many a times on screen but don't actually know who he is) on Times Now ,where he really poured his heart out.He rightly said that we are a bunch of hypocrites! We pretend to care today and forget everything tomorrow, unless one of our own relatives is one of the victims.We blame it on the people who are there for our security purpose and neglect their duties to do the same when all we should blame on, is the manner in which they are trained! Terrorism will always be there.It had always been here in some form or the other from the very beginning.But the way these terrorists plan the mode of their terror , we fail to replicate that in our own ways of POST-measures atleast if not counter measures. We still haven't learned the lessons surely.Someone said that the guards there at the hotel just ask people to show their identity and don't even bother to check the rear bonnets for a second.Why the hell do we expect then the terrorists to be caught at the very entrance possessing weapons? Where else would you see so much delay in organizing a well planned counter force within a short notice after the attacks? where else would you see a car going past you, slowing down at the right moment, with a terrorist in the back seat spraying bullets on you and just whiz past you the very next moment before you gather courage to look up again, laying there down to save yourself! Atleast I thought that these things used to happen only in the stupid Bollywood movies of old.I faced the reality today! Even the paramedics and ambulances are as late as ever.I feel roughly one-third of the people could have been saved so far in all the mishaps that befall upon us till date if proper medical help arrived just in time!
But again, who cares?? Most of us are busy watching the antics of the actors of big boss.The guy who got most of the attention till now was that cheap Rahul mahajan, the son of BJP spokesperson Mr. Pramod Mahajan who died just 2 years back. 'As father like son', seems to have no bearing on this fellow, who just doesn't care a bit about the worldly state of affairs,just jumping around the whole day around girls with his stupid theatrics.And the media just gorges on it thereby increasing the TRP of the show! How can the media stoop so low to give precious screen space to people like Rakhi sawant?! The more she makes her presence felt with some useless theatrics, the more the media gets attracted to her.How else can you explain the unavailibilty of real news for which the news channels came into being at 1st place! The INS stolt valor incident took nearly a month to come into forefront as an incident of concern, after Mrs Seema goyal's persistent efforts.It took a month more for the government to wake up and act for the release of the crew men.The 1999 Indian airlines hijack was brought back fresh again from the past memories! The men in power rarely care for its people. All they do care for is vote bank politics which we 'educated' lot seem to agree with, by succumbing to their ploys, and not choosing for ourselves what is right.We leave that decision to the lower middle cast and poor people to make, who hopelessly use their right of franchise.How many of us engage ourselves in some real social debate in our leisure time and form some opinion on a prevailing issue? well, we do form some.We fight for the farmers in Singur today.When the winds change, we totally disregard our previous stand and force the blame on the same person for whom we lend voices a fortnight back.Instead of balanced opinions we resort to biased ones.We only try to hide our mistakes by attaching ourselves to the presently favorable situations. We just don't want to admit our own stupid acts at any cost.
I am falling short of words now.I curse my luck at times about the control I have or lack of it, over things happening around me.But when I look up to see the misery around I get relieved of my own misery, which is nothing in comparison to the kind thousands of others face every moment.This might be an excuse to ignore my inability to make things happen. But whatever it is, it helps me gain my spirit again to stop ruing over mistakes which I can't rectify no matter how much I try.Life goes on, it has to. Just that it becomes at times seemingly impossible to carry on, for the people who lose their close ones unknowingly.I just hope against hope that the so-called notion of 'short memory' of the public gets erased so that we stand by the surviving victims long enough to help resurrect themselves.And for that we really need to shed a tear or two for the fellow citizens who are no more, those who don't matter to us practically but do so in actual reality!

No more..had enough of it!!

I don't remember the last time when after getting out of an exam hall after a REAL exam(the mocks don't count), I really felt confident that I have done well to get a good result.May be it was some meaningless routine end semester exam when it actually did happen. Otherwise the school exams are the only ones that I can think of, in distant past.Well, I am really getting clueless about my life now. I once used to think that its the wrong choices mainly, the ones influenced by some biased situations and my parents, that have pushed me down in my life apart from a not so hard working attitude. Now I wonder, whether I am even capable of making any good choice at all. They say, you should follow your heart and work towards things you are really passionate about in life. I thought, that I am doing the same and working towards my goal with utmost passion.I fell once, picked myself again. I stumbled many a times after my restart, but kept going on, hoping against hope that one day my hard work will pay off. I didn't lose hope nor my faith in the so called conspiracy theory of God. But NO, it didn’t work in the end. Not at all! I have fallen once again.I still don't know how it feels , nor do I know how to interpret this setback, yet again.

Sailing over the clouds on that plane the view looked so different, with all its splendor. Everything looked so small from the top, yet so colorful was the image. All of which I had watched since now in Wikimapia looked so absurd to me.Sometimes I thought they were not quite satellite pictures, but the impression of an artist’s imaginations.How wrong I was obviously! The geographical texture of the earth is actually what it seems to be on the computer screen, courtesy Google. I just wished that this high-flying experience never ends. I still wish the same, all the more now,for my feet are on the ground again. I am back to the form of an ordinary human being yet again. I don’t mind it anymore. I have become quite used to it now All that which hurts me is the pain and helplessness which I feel in my parents repeatedly, everytime they hope to expect some stroke of magic from me.And I fail to deliver every single time. Some people don’t get the chance they deserve for the lack of money.I on the other hand, waste my chances alongwith the money. I don’t know how much more they can withstand .I don’t know whether I can pay off all the debts I owe to them, in this present life.

I am getting exhausted .I have lost the required motivation, the guiding factor of one’s life..I just can’t carry on like this , pretending to everyone like all is normal. I need to do some soul searching now.But before that I need some rest. I am feeling a bit too tired.I don’t know how much time its going to take me.May be a couple of days of outing or a couple of weeks.May be more than that.And this break includes a leave from my blog too, for I don’t want to disappoint you few people I have as my audience, with these uninspired and sad tales of a loser.Afterall who the hell in this world would waste his time to hear my crap time and again! ? No one should, because time is precious.See you soon!

Time to take control,myself..

3 days to go for the C-day. 1 day to go for the start of my journey. The only time I last went to Bangalore for 1 day's stay left me wanting more of it.One day seemed hardly enough for feeling the nicest weather I have ever experienced. I went there in the month of may or June after a few days stay in the hot and humid weather of Chennai.Every moment I spent there at bangalore made me feel like as if I have come down here from a distant equatorial place! But the comfortable weather of Bangalore came at some cost.It must be the costliest city of India by some distance. It seemed reasonable though at the end, that we had planned only a single day here otherwise our pockets would have been emptied out just enough to leave us stranded then and there.
But the excitement of revisiting that place for a stay of 2 days this time has slowly waned day by day.Sometimes I don't even feel like going down there for the fear of returning both empty handed and vacant minded. The more I try not to think of the consequences of that inevitable day the more I get the chill down my spine. All my life I been a person of high potential.I still think the same.But very rarely I have been able to translate that into action. Somewhere, something has been always missing in my whole effort. Sometimes I did'nt put in the desired hard work, or I did'nt have the required motivation to go all the way.But most of the times I think have faltered at the last mile.I have succumbed to the pressure of achieving something that looked so near yet so far. And that's where I had the biggest doubt and confusion about this whole thing. The saying goes when you work for something tirelessly with whole hearted spirit,the whole world conspires to get you the thing you desire! the term 'conspire' has a big meaning itself.It means that certain incidents or rather co-incidences will happen, just to favour you more than others if your effort is stronger. So if that is the case, why doesn't it happen till the end?
Exams like CAT are very much guided by chance and the position of your stars that day! (unless of course you are a brilliant student who is destined to succeed) The right choices and the right frame of mind can work wonders that day. But if the start goes wrong it becomes very difficult to recover at times, although possible. Something similar happened to me last yr. I faltered at the very beginning, misinterpreting the setting of the paper.In those few hrs it seemed like I am the biggest fool alive.Like as if, except me everyone is setting the paper on fire! But as it turned out in the end, it was one of the toughest papers of all times in cat's history! I simply went there with my pre-conceived notions of it be a standard paper.But a good start with right selection of questions wouldn't have done me any harm, isn't it?! I could have gained my calm and composure to tackle the tough questions with even more care. But instead what happened was that the circumstances conspired against me! well, did'nt I put in the deserving effort? yes, I did not, but not so poorly to have deserved much poorer result than what I had expected. Actually, the thing is as I believe, 'it is'nt over untill its over', as the famous saying goes in cricket. Writing the exam is also a part of the whole process, in fact the most important one. After one has done his job as good as possible, its time for god to deal with the situation ahead.He sets the things in place to manipulate the result in your favour! thats the only perspective i can think of. But what about the case of 9/11 when a bunch of ill-minded yet talented people concentrate there effort on killing thousands of people ? Can't we hope for some coincidences to happen just like in our Hindi movies , so that the guys get caught somehow in the act before their final act? were there efforts stronger than the bond of love and affection of the victims and their family? Might have been so, otherwise god would have been said to be prejudiced in his decisions.Did'nt we read in our old scriptures how the rakshasas prayed in the name of some god and he did answer their call and granted their wishes too.I believe its all a cause and effect game.Even if you do something wrong, if your conviction is strong enough you will succeed but in the long run somewhere down the line that will get balanced out for the intention behind the act was not pure .
Whatever is the secret behind all these, its impossible for a mere mortal like me to know the absolute truth.The only thing I know is that I just can't stop writing when I make a start! The thoughts just start cascading upon each other and I get tangled in them in the process. But not anymore, not for today not on 16th.I just want to remain detached from my thoughts as far as I can.I want my brain to act a bit more now. Because thats what will really matter on that day.
And whatever way I start the paper I wish I don't lose the faith in my own abilities.Afterall,slog overs are always there to hit back! ;)

Riding the waves of hope in the ship of my dreams....

Finally I am going out, after a long gap of more than 6 years. The last time I had been to anywhere outside my state was on a trip to Chennai and Bangalore during the middle of the year 2002, after I had just passed my class 11 exams.Really, seems like a long time ago. But I have got my chance again to go out, actually fly out-to the city of Bangalore yet again.Looks to be so exciting at 1st sight! But no, it's not going to be the so called fun trip by any angle. And I had hoped for this day to have never come in my life, for I had thought that by this time I would be there in Bangalore itself.I was almost sure that I have taken the right choice by opting for Bangalore as my test center. But once again to my dismay, but with very little surprise, it has turned out to the wrong one! Here I am, inspite of having so many test centers in kolkata, packing my bags for the flight and 2-day stay there in an unknown city, thanks to a seemingly infinite delay in the arrival of the joining letter from my prospective employer. And for what? a 2 and 1/2 hrs exam.Probably the most important exam I can ever take in my life.I hope though that it does'nt turn out to be a dead end in my life atleast! yes, the most dreaded exam called CAT waits for me on 16th november. How am I prepared for it? the most relevant question that I can think of at this moment, but I don't want to answer it. I just want to remain focussed and positive.

All through our student life we have just wished that this system of examination be stopped one day, thereby relieving us of all the pressure and anxiety linked with it. I am no different in that respect.But the fear of getting below pass marks did'nt ever cross my mind except for once though, when the situation around me was very bad.I was an average student all the way getting decent marks in every other exam I gave during my school days.But yes, I hated the exams nonetheless except the ones for my favorite subject called Mathematics! Oh boy, I have been in love with the numbers all my life. And I can proudly say that I am good at it,though not excellent as I have realized with every passing day, coz there are thousands more ahead of me in their capabilty of handling this numbers stuff.Whatever be it, I have always looked forward to every bit of maths which have sounded interesting to me.I used to spend days and nights on the sums and calculations, neglecting my other subjects in the process.I did regret it sometimes, but now I regret it even more for why did'nt I devote even more time to one of my few little passions! I should have tried to go deeper into it to strengthen my fundamentals, the effect of which could have really change the path of my life. But no use pondering over it now. After so many 100 percent scores in the math tests time to time, there came a time in my life when my touch deserted me. The poorest of timings I can ever think of! I failed to deliver right when it was really needed.The class 12 board exams, WBJEE, AIEEE and so many more to name. I couldn't use my real weapon to guide me through to a top college(Though i think i did'nt actually deserve any better).
Anyway, my performance in the college semester mathematics did'nt turn out to be any different.Just simply poor! I wondered, is this the same me who scored with such ease in the same subject a few yrs back?! Thats when I realized why so many people just dread the word mathematics.Its a subject that can absolutely demoralize you if not handled with care! and so it was. I had literally lost my love for maths.
Well almost, till i realized that sometimes, God does have some good things in store for us. May be thats why he created the exam called CAT! The day I first saw the pattern of the exam, I regained my hopes to reinvigorate that lost passion. About 2/3rd part of this exam is all maths! I once again picked up my pencil and paper to the solve those same old sums .And what a journey it has been since then! For the past 1 and 1/2 yrs most of my Sundays have been spent in taking the mock tests and never for a single day I have thought of skipping them. Thats may be mainly because these are just mocks. Just to judge myself where I stand in the competition. No one cares how much I score in them. I have seen both ups and downs in this phase. There have been weeks when the numbers and the logic behind all has just flown smoothly out of my mind onto the paper and there have been days when I had just passed the time rubbing off the sweat from my forehead on being stuck in problems for eternity, hopelessly. One such day will be etched in my memory for ever ,when in my 1st attempt last yr I failed once again, miserably. The pressure of the exam hall engulfed me one more time just like it has been in the past. Neither do I want to brood over it now nor would I want to repeat the mistakes . I just want to relax.I just wished that someone puts into my mind on November the 16th, that this is yet another mock test of my life, that it does'nt matter how I perform.But sadly I can't do that. I have to just order my mind to do the same.Patience, self-belief and a calm mind will be the order of the day.
I dream of big things but my wish-list is not that big. I will only wish that I perform to the best of my potential on that day mindless of whatever the end result turns out to be.I have always believed in the words of the Bhagvad Gita that we should always devote our efforts towards karma, not the result, for there is no bigger self satisfaction in doing something well ,which you know is well within your capability. I just hope that it turns out to be one such day the next Sunday.The stakes are high, the chances of survival are much less. Just for a day I want to forget what is at stake. I Just want to live the moment!

A visit to madhusaala..

My memories are precious to me. For that matter, everyone do cherish their memories for one reason or the other.But they have become important to me all the more, as I have got very few things to brag about so far in my life. Anyway, today is another such day that will become etched in my memory for eternity. Few years back I would have never thought that I could do such a thing like the one I did today. but I have no regrets whatsoever now.Thanks to some of my close friends- I tasted alcohol today! Isn't much of a big deal, right? I thought I would relish some great chicken dishes today and have some time, well spent with my friends.I got both + extra. My friends took care of my concern that i would be able to return home in good shape. So that was it-One small peg each of Royal stag and Smirnoff, with some Pepsi to add flavor! the 1st thing that i noticed as expected was the strong smell.
If I go by my life's history so far, I can simply be defined in two words- Late learner. Yes, almost every other thing, like learning to understand my mother tongue(didn't ever learn to write in it), learning to ride a bicycle, learning to be inquisitive about things around me , learning to do some things on my own etc etc..even learning to drink cold drinks came late to me. Well, I had Maaza and Frooti most of the time though! Actually I have to admit, I was never that sort of an adventurous guy who likes to try out new things all the time. I have been quite the opposite mostly.Thats the reason I only fell once while trying to learn riding the bicycle. My father was always right there behind me.How could I fall?! Every little thing was taken care of by my parents. How could I have become self-sufficient?! Thats an excuse may be on my part though. I never had that urge inside to learn a few things of my own.But I do have every right to blame mom and dad sometimes ;)
Anyway, coming to the cold drinks part, I only started trying pepsi or cola during 7th or 8th standard perhaps. After that I never ever had any thoughts of trying anything stronger than those things. Bacardi blast, Royal challenge and yeah Royal stag too, all were some kind of alien things too me.I was sure they were not made for me.In fact I thought they shouldn't exist at all at 1st place! Drinking alcohol is a sin- that's what I have been taught. But not anymore when you realize that nothing in this world is absolute.Absolutely nothing! Right or wrong-they are all what we perceive of them. Rest assured, this is the one thing i am lucky to have realized. So, the moment I tasted it I felt proud to have experienced yet another new thing in my life. And luckily for me that experience didn't turn out to be bad at all.My friend insisted to try once more, I agreed. If I had the option of not returning home tonight I would have tried more! But neither I could do so nor I should have. Some things are better kept within limits.
Anyway, I am still strong and steady.No reason why I shouldn't. Afterall, it was not all that strong and 2 pegs can't even put a child to sleep I guess! But I would forever be grateful to this few friends of mine who have added yet another reason to cherish friendship. It feels sad that it might turn out to be my last drink with one of them as he is parting ways with us in a few days. But it will be certainly recorded in my memory for the rest of my life as this is the only thing that never leaves us. Thank you mates, for this lovely little evening of 1st November 2008 at Olypub, Park street! :)