Riding the waves of hope in the ship of my dreams....

Finally I am going out, after a long gap of more than 6 years. The last time I had been to anywhere outside my state was on a trip to Chennai and Bangalore during the middle of the year 2002, after I had just passed my class 11 exams.Really, seems like a long time ago. But I have got my chance again to go out, actually fly out-to the city of Bangalore yet again.Looks to be so exciting at 1st sight! But no, it's not going to be the so called fun trip by any angle. And I had hoped for this day to have never come in my life, for I had thought that by this time I would be there in Bangalore itself.I was almost sure that I have taken the right choice by opting for Bangalore as my test center. But once again to my dismay, but with very little surprise, it has turned out to the wrong one! Here I am, inspite of having so many test centers in kolkata, packing my bags for the flight and 2-day stay there in an unknown city, thanks to a seemingly infinite delay in the arrival of the joining letter from my prospective employer. And for what? a 2 and 1/2 hrs exam.Probably the most important exam I can ever take in my life.I hope though that it does'nt turn out to be a dead end in my life atleast! yes, the most dreaded exam called CAT waits for me on 16th november. How am I prepared for it? the most relevant question that I can think of at this moment, but I don't want to answer it. I just want to remain focussed and positive.

All through our student life we have just wished that this system of examination be stopped one day, thereby relieving us of all the pressure and anxiety linked with it. I am no different in that respect.But the fear of getting below pass marks did'nt ever cross my mind except for once though, when the situation around me was very bad.I was an average student all the way getting decent marks in every other exam I gave during my school days.But yes, I hated the exams nonetheless except the ones for my favorite subject called Mathematics! Oh boy, I have been in love with the numbers all my life. And I can proudly say that I am good at it,though not excellent as I have realized with every passing day, coz there are thousands more ahead of me in their capabilty of handling this numbers stuff.Whatever be it, I have always looked forward to every bit of maths which have sounded interesting to me.I used to spend days and nights on the sums and calculations, neglecting my other subjects in the process.I did regret it sometimes, but now I regret it even more for why did'nt I devote even more time to one of my few little passions! I should have tried to go deeper into it to strengthen my fundamentals, the effect of which could have really change the path of my life. But no use pondering over it now. After so many 100 percent scores in the math tests time to time, there came a time in my life when my touch deserted me. The poorest of timings I can ever think of! I failed to deliver right when it was really needed.The class 12 board exams, WBJEE, AIEEE and so many more to name. I couldn't use my real weapon to guide me through to a top college(Though i think i did'nt actually deserve any better).
Anyway, my performance in the college semester mathematics did'nt turn out to be any different.Just simply poor! I wondered, is this the same me who scored with such ease in the same subject a few yrs back?! Thats when I realized why so many people just dread the word mathematics.Its a subject that can absolutely demoralize you if not handled with care! and so it was. I had literally lost my love for maths.
Well almost, till i realized that sometimes, God does have some good things in store for us. May be thats why he created the exam called CAT! The day I first saw the pattern of the exam, I regained my hopes to reinvigorate that lost passion. About 2/3rd part of this exam is all maths! I once again picked up my pencil and paper to the solve those same old sums .And what a journey it has been since then! For the past 1 and 1/2 yrs most of my Sundays have been spent in taking the mock tests and never for a single day I have thought of skipping them. Thats may be mainly because these are just mocks. Just to judge myself where I stand in the competition. No one cares how much I score in them. I have seen both ups and downs in this phase. There have been weeks when the numbers and the logic behind all has just flown smoothly out of my mind onto the paper and there have been days when I had just passed the time rubbing off the sweat from my forehead on being stuck in problems for eternity, hopelessly. One such day will be etched in my memory for ever ,when in my 1st attempt last yr I failed once again, miserably. The pressure of the exam hall engulfed me one more time just like it has been in the past. Neither do I want to brood over it now nor would I want to repeat the mistakes . I just want to relax.I just wished that someone puts into my mind on November the 16th, that this is yet another mock test of my life, that it does'nt matter how I perform.But sadly I can't do that. I have to just order my mind to do the same.Patience, self-belief and a calm mind will be the order of the day.
I dream of big things but my wish-list is not that big. I will only wish that I perform to the best of my potential on that day mindless of whatever the end result turns out to be.I have always believed in the words of the Bhagvad Gita that we should always devote our efforts towards karma, not the result, for there is no bigger self satisfaction in doing something well ,which you know is well within your capability. I just hope that it turns out to be one such day the next Sunday.The stakes are high, the chances of survival are much less. Just for a day I want to forget what is at stake. I Just want to live the moment!

A visit to madhusaala..

My memories are precious to me. For that matter, everyone do cherish their memories for one reason or the other.But they have become important to me all the more, as I have got very few things to brag about so far in my life. Anyway, today is another such day that will become etched in my memory for eternity. Few years back I would have never thought that I could do such a thing like the one I did today. but I have no regrets whatsoever now.Thanks to some of my close friends- I tasted alcohol today! Isn't much of a big deal, right? I thought I would relish some great chicken dishes today and have some time, well spent with my friends.I got both + extra. My friends took care of my concern that i would be able to return home in good shape. So that was it-One small peg each of Royal stag and Smirnoff, with some Pepsi to add flavor! the 1st thing that i noticed as expected was the strong smell.
If I go by my life's history so far, I can simply be defined in two words- Late learner. Yes, almost every other thing, like learning to understand my mother tongue(didn't ever learn to write in it), learning to ride a bicycle, learning to be inquisitive about things around me , learning to do some things on my own etc etc..even learning to drink cold drinks came late to me. Well, I had Maaza and Frooti most of the time though! Actually I have to admit, I was never that sort of an adventurous guy who likes to try out new things all the time. I have been quite the opposite mostly.Thats the reason I only fell once while trying to learn riding the bicycle. My father was always right there behind me.How could I fall?! Every little thing was taken care of by my parents. How could I have become self-sufficient?! Thats an excuse may be on my part though. I never had that urge inside to learn a few things of my own.But I do have every right to blame mom and dad sometimes ;)
Anyway, coming to the cold drinks part, I only started trying pepsi or cola during 7th or 8th standard perhaps. After that I never ever had any thoughts of trying anything stronger than those things. Bacardi blast, Royal challenge and yeah Royal stag too, all were some kind of alien things too me.I was sure they were not made for me.In fact I thought they shouldn't exist at all at 1st place! Drinking alcohol is a sin- that's what I have been taught. But not anymore when you realize that nothing in this world is absolute.Absolutely nothing! Right or wrong-they are all what we perceive of them. Rest assured, this is the one thing i am lucky to have realized. So, the moment I tasted it I felt proud to have experienced yet another new thing in my life. And luckily for me that experience didn't turn out to be bad at all.My friend insisted to try once more, I agreed. If I had the option of not returning home tonight I would have tried more! But neither I could do so nor I should have. Some things are better kept within limits.
Anyway, I am still strong and steady.No reason why I shouldn't. Afterall, it was not all that strong and 2 pegs can't even put a child to sleep I guess! But I would forever be grateful to this few friends of mine who have added yet another reason to cherish friendship. It feels sad that it might turn out to be my last drink with one of them as he is parting ways with us in a few days. But it will be certainly recorded in my memory for the rest of my life as this is the only thing that never leaves us. Thank you mates, for this lovely little evening of 1st November 2008 at Olypub, Park street! :)

The spirit of Diwali..

Another day is gone.Well, time never stops for anyone. Days, months and years pass by before we realize. It seems to happen all so quickly.But quite a few years back during the hey days of my childhood, it never seemed to me that my life is ever gonna change. It used to feel like i am going to pass exams after exams , and rise up through piles of classes after classes.It never looked , like , one day after passing out a dozen number the whole affair is finally going to end. Indeed, the school life now seems to be the longest chapter in the book of life. And of all the things comprising the school life, celebrating the day of Diwali was an integral part of it. Yes, another day of Diwali has come and gone.Although i can still hear the crackers bursting somewhere, its practically over. But I am happy to say, that after years I really felt this day again as the day of lights and crackers. But those few years back to back during my childhood were something different.
We Bengalis treat the durga puja as the mother of all festivals we have in our culture.But i used to be just the opposite.My wait used to start just after the dashami, for Kali puja! And it was not a one day affair for me.In fact it used to stretch both before and after the real day. For me it used to mean only one thing-crackers, both sound and soundless, nothing else. And I am indebted to my parents especially my father that he never ever used to let me down those few days! Just a couple of days before the Diwali day my eyes would start glimmering at the sight of crackers in the shops. And the just the day before , no sooner than dad used to return from his office i would grab hold of two thailies(sacks), cajole my mother to give atleast RS 300 and just immediately set off for my shopping spree! It used to be the same old shop most of the years, the owner of which knew us very well. I used to start with sparklers,the Fuljharis, then go on to the Anars(my 2nd favorite),then some Charkis and finally onto my all time favorite rockets! I wished if they were a bit more cheaper so that I could buy a little more.Anyway, a 10 piece packet was well enough to satisfy my 'appetite'. And last but not the least, the chocolate bombs were a must buy obviously.With every passing yr though, they went on to become more and more invisible. Anyway, the budget would never remain within the specified limit.Dad always had to hand out atleast an extra 100 rupee note eventually.But back to home, mom never ever used to know the truth as expected!
The next day it used to be a prayer for the sun god to increase his brightness and heat more than any other normal day.The greater the sun bursts, the louder and brighter will the crackers burst! and then the wait finally comes to an end with the end of the day and start of a long night.1st the lighting of candles in every nook and corner of the house(though one yr it was all diyas) to illuminate every surrounding and then the fest begins! Showers of sparkles, from the small Fuljharis and then from the big Anars used to be the opening ceremony. Then comes the launch of rockets. My eyes would follow the full trail of it with a silent wish to see it go as high as possible up in the air! I was never a miser. But during diwali i used to become one.I would keep track of every item spent and see to it that the stock remains to stand for another one and half nights, atleast. Then it would be time to go outside and make some noise- the loud bangs from the bombs! My friends and I would go berserk, forgetting about every other thing in the world, as if that night and crackers would never end. My budget always turned out to be way too much in comparison to that of my friends.For, sometimes i had to forcefully empty the whole bag of crackers on the 3rd day so as not to let anything stretch beyond! To burst crackers on 4 successive days would have been really a foolish idea.
About 6 years have passed. And I am yet to burst another piece of cracker, let alone buy anything.In fact, I hate the sound of the loud ones now.This Diwali was no different. The thrill of indulging in those fantasies at the roof top of your own house is unmatchable to anything like that in a small narrow street by your house now.Because it is no longer your own house.The past 5 years it has been a rented house and now its a flat in a 5 storied apartment. I am no more independent as I used to be.True, the enthusiasm has died down with every year but still, if it had been my same old house I would have surely cared to spent some time with the sparkles.Anyway, I can't help it. But today I did make it a point to feel myself fresh as ever again. I spent the day in a cheerful mood, spreading Diwali wishes to as many friends I can, even some, with whom I haven't talked to for ages. In the evening I put on a brand new shirt and not so new trousers and set out for a stroll with my father. A one hour walk seemed like eternity. The lights at the balconies of virtually every building,the lit up skies, the noisy children with their noisy little crackers , looked all so familiar. I was left realizing that I could have the filled the void left by the absence of my own crackers by just enjoying the glittering night with all its brilliance all these yrs.There is actually more to Diwali than crackers.
I once felt it ridiculous to have so many festivities in our Hindu culture all round the year, giving us enough reasons to indulge in idleness over and over again.But how wrong i was! Its how we perceive the festivals is what matters. The small little joy in short intervals every year makes us keep our momentum going instead of impelling it. Surrounded by problems all around that don't seem to cease, we tend to forget about the struggle although for a single day and wake up with greater vigour the very next day to fight the odds once again I hope , I would feel the same tomorrow and keep trying to motivate myself to stand up against every possible circumstance that blocks my way!

Well...i am getting restless now.That the least i can say of my current situation. I don't really know what do to now or what i am supposed to do. Nothing is happening in my life.Absolutely nothing meaningful.Sometimes i think whether I chosen the right time to open my blog.Because if I don't have anything to share at present then all I can do is dig up my past and write a few things about my memories. well, i don't feel like doing that as well at this point of time. When the time comes I will definitely try to revive a few of my memories, because they are precious to me.
Anyway, if anyone wants to learn a few things about inconsistency,they are free to approach me. i am turning out to be a master of it. Yet again I didn't have a clue for most of the time today about what to do with my DI section. The name is Data Interpretation ; and i just do the opposite, getting puzzled all over the data and interpreting almost nothing! I still don't know, being good with numbers from my childhood why do i get stuck in handling these numerical data! No use in pondering over this issue. If i did'nt get the answer in this past 1 and 1/2 yrs, there is no reason i am going to crack it in a second now. Enough of it, no more crap.Its simple wastage of space.Practice,practice and more practice is my only way out. time is running out.

Back from the dead,atleast for the time being!

At last a breather of some sorts! Although I don't know for how long it's gonna stick, may not be enough for more than a week, going by the way I am performing. But truely speaking I would have gone into a shell if i had disappointed myself for yet another day, this Sunday. I have had enough of it for the last 1 month or so.So I had already told myself to treat the day as now or never. Strange are the God's ways at times! I have been so hard at it (i really did so honestly!) for weeks, but still , anyone who will have a look at my recent mock scores will straightaway tell me to stop wasting my time at it and advise me rest! Each and every week,the same silly story gets repeated..silly,silly and more silly mistakes. 4421-1244=3277. Wow,what a subtraction! Seems like my extra love for mathematics have puzzled my brain a bit too much. Its these silly mistakes again which revive me again after every failure, telling me that 'thank God, I am clear at my concepts! Its only the silly mistakes, i can get rid of them.' But seldom this does happen, nor is it supposed to be so. Afterall, silliness is habit, a very dreadful habit indeed.
But I simply can not express myself in words about how light i felt the moment i finished my paper this sunday! I don't care how many more others are going to score.But i do know that i did relatively well, a lot more than I had expected given the mental state I am in-Completely down and out in confidence levels! The same sum which took me 5 mins to solve might have taken 2-3 mins during my happier days! An envelope of self-doubt has been created around me these days. Whatever things i do, i tend to double-check it although at the back of my mind I do know that its absolutely alright. With only one month to go for the D-day or rather the C-day whatever you call it, i have to come out of this recluse and get myself kicking again right the way I started it off. Not even in my wildest dreams had i thought that i can stoop to such levels of mediocrity after such a quick rise to brilliance.Well, i can't change now what has happened. The only thing i can and should do is look forward to coming weekends and gain back my real-self again. CAT is not the end of my life but its the one which can really change my life. But i would rather like to focus on what i would want to do with the cat.Not letting it to play on me , instead i would like to play with it.BEST OF LUCK to me!