Stumbled again..

At times in life, one might have encountered a situation when you think that you have learned from your past incidents and gained enough experience from them to not commit the same mistake again, yet you do it again. Just when you were pretty sure that you have become matured enough to handle the same situation better than how you did it the last time around, you inadvertently fall into your own trap - trap of expectations. Thats what I did today.

Whats my fault? - simple, I got angry on someone. Differences are, that someone are 2 different  persons in these 2 circumstances, and the degree of friendship I shared with these two are a lot more different with respect to each other. I hardly knew the other person that day, while i kept thinking foolishly that I know enough.But today, I really thought that I have understand this person too well with course of time, to tell him anything I want. The feelings involved were the same - I just wanted a bit more attention in the eyes of the other person, I didn't mean to hurt anybody.But the fundamental error is the same, then and now - uncontrolled show of anger, and expectation.And I learned the lesson again, you hurt yourself when you express your resentment to someone if he/she is actually not at  fault. No matter how much you try to make him/her to expect the reasoning behind your anger and the not-so apparent context in which it was being said, nobody will take the first step forward to close the gap again, which was brought about by you. I guess, they are not supposed too. I understand 99% of the logic behind it today but the rest 1% still doesn't convince me why can't the other person be a bit more understanding, a bit more sensible, a bit more rationale. I won't debate over it ever, may be its the rule of human psychology that applies to all except may be our parents who happily forgive our misdeeds, not once but time and again.

As far as expectation is concerned, this is one of the most dreaded words for me. Why just word, it is that one intangible thing in my life which I fear the most. It had hit me so hard mostly because of my own ignorance, and absence of relevant previous experiences with it, that I had built a shell around me, built of detachment . I had become quite comfortable with it which helped me remain happy because of the emotional isolation  which I had slowly adapted myself to, and still enjoyed every moment in the company of my friends, close or not so close alike, like I used to do in the past. But I still  tried to win over expectation one more time when I thought I had collected enough ammunitions (read trust, understanding). I failed again. The burden of expectations became too heavy again..

I wont go into much details. I can't keep it short when I start writing. It was a mistake again on my part which I fully acknowledge. I regretted that day what i did and I still do so, both in terms of my anger and expectation. Today I curse myself for my expectation, but I dont regret my show of anger. I seldom express my anger even when I feel it burning inside. Today I did, and the cause must have been serious enough which didn't allow an individual like me to be not being able to restrain myself. I can find only one cause today, that is expectation. But I know I will win over it someday at least for once, the day when acquire the ammunitions I guess I dont have today,  selflessness, forgiveness, unconditional love may be..I can say this because I recovered some lost ground today at the end. Because this person in my life today is not as self-centered and inhumane like the one I knew that day..And because she came one step back too, to close the gap that was opened by me..